I'm moving!

I'm not the only one, you know. There are millions of us. Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday we gather in darkened rooms, curtains drawn, Tunnocks Tea Cakes and a nice pot of tea at our side, ready to enjoy The World's Favourite Continuing Drama.

In some ways, it's a solitary pleasure, as has been this blog. But in other ways Corrie is an experience which is made for sharing. Which is why from now on I'm going to be sharing my Weatherfield fetish over at Corrieblog. Click over there and bookmark it immediately, or I'll set Tracy Barlow on you when she gets out!

CATCH-UP - And what a lot to catch up

I've been away for a few days ("did anyone notice?" I sniff in my most annoyingly self-pitying manner), and oh-my-lands what a lot has been going on in Corrie.

First off we had Emily thinking Norris was proposing to her, when actually he was just doing a dry run for proposing to Rita, which he subsequently did. Of course she turned him down,and Norris is heartbroken.

Then we had Hayley discovering that her former incarnation, Harold (who looked like a young Paul McCartney as viewed in a Hall of Mirrors-type mirror, in the photos we saw of him) had fathered a son. A situation made more complicated by the fact that Hayley told Roy that Harold had been a pure and unsullied boy as far as shenanigans were concerned. So now her new best friend Becky (I'm loving Becky at the moment - she's much more watchable since the smoking ban came in and she's not constantly sucking the life out of a Silk Cut) has helped Hayley to find a private detective to track down the fruit of her unmodified loins. Roy is still oblivious.

Oh-David has been getting steadily more deranged, but the Corrie writers are cleverly painting him as being as much sinned against as sinning. He tried to apologise to Mel Kebab for besmirching her good name, but she refused to listen. His family members spend most of their free time muttering about how useless he is, just within his earshot. The result has been that he's been taking out his violent tendencies on computer games ("Die! Die!"). I do hope Corrie isn't going to go down the computer-games-are-the-root-of-all-evil route, because I happen to love them and think they're a Jolly Good Thing. Oh-David also removed the fuse from the freezer so all Gail's Viennettas defrosted. Then he heroically offered to fix it for Gail because "electricity and water are a lethal combination."

As well as Eileen and Jerry, a new cab/kebab love axis opened up when Lloyd went to the rescue of Jodie Kebab, who needed to pick up younger sister Kayleigh Kebab who had got drunk and disorderly on her way home from school. It's still early days on that one, but I detected a spark.

But the real dramatic highpoint, I suppose, has been the climax of the Casey story.

Having told Casey that Clurr was his One True Love, Ashley thought he'd seen the last of her. When the never-seen Clurr's Mother needed rushing to the dentists, Ashley left Baby Freddie in the blue-plastic-gloved hands of Kirk in t'butcher's shop. As if you would, really. Though, to his credit, Kirk seemed reasonably confident that he'd be able to avoid mixing up the meat and the baby. But he didn't cope very well, so when Casey turned up, offering to take Baby Freddie to t'park, Kirk was only too relieved to hand him over.

When Ashley got back and discovered BF was gone, he rang Casey, who was at home. And Casey, you see, lives in a Very High Building. Of course she does. All the better for threatening to jump off and take Baby Freddie with her. Her flat was full of Photoshopped pictures of her and Ashley and BF looking like a badly-posed happy family.

Then Clurr turned up, with Audrey, who had called the police. Ashley was fairly useless, but Clurr played a blinder - like Cracker, she was. She told Casey that Ashley and Freddie were no substitute for her own baby, who had died. She described what that had been like - Casey had told her all about it. So Casey cracked, Ashley got the baby, then Casey tried to jump off the balcony but the police arrived. Phew. I was feeling quite sorry for Casey by the end of all this, and not just because she's been forced to wear that ugly short teal-blue jacket for weeks on end. The story of her losing her baby was properly upsetting.

So it's happily ever after at Peacock Towers? Well, not really. During all the above hoo-hah, Casey had made Ashley admit that he had slept with her. So Claire is not best pleased. To say the least.

Oh David - The making of a Tortured Teen

We all know that Very Special Babies are born on Christmas Day. This is particularly true in soaps, because dramatic births are a great ratings-winner for those all-important Bank Holiday episodes.

Thus it was on Christmas morning in 1990 that Gail and Martin Platt first gazed upon the face of Gail's second and Martin's first son, David. As they marvelled at his angelic countenance and little chubby fists, they could hardly have envisaged that one day he would give them merry hell. So what happened in his young life to turn him into the spitting sliver of venom we see today, apparently poised to fake his own suicide?

Well, with my Jeremy Kyle hat on (it's stylish, but snug at the same time) I would have to point out that the poor lad has suffered somewhat from a lack of parental attention. His father had various affairs, including one with a girl not much older than David herself, who accidentally killed her father (are you following this) then killed herself. Martin has now moved to Liverpool with his latest flame, and hardly has anything to do with his offspring. Meanwhile, Gail has been busy marrying a serial killer, who also tried to kill the entire family.

It's no excuse, of course. Look at the life poor Chesney's had, and you don't see him up on roofs threatening to shoot his family members, do you?

Gail was almost right when she determined that Oh-David needed a male role model in his life. Sadly the male ordered to take up this position was poor Jason, who practically embodies the phrase "nice but dim." Jason is doing his best, but his best is too little, too late.

Failing an appearance on Jeremy Kyle ("Dropping out of school, burning exam papers, threatening family members, accusing fast food vendors of sleeping with him AND being boring - we need to hear more. David's on the show, guys"), nothing will turn David's life around now except a visit to Uncle Stephen in Canada. It worked a treat for older brother Nicky.

CATCH-UP - "Jack"... the lad?

Casey and Ashley have agreed to not see each other. Casey is going to "go away," she says.

At this point, if I was Ashley, I'd be hiding the matches and any pointed objects.

Jack and Vera's grandson, whose name is Paul Clayton, has persuaded the bank to lend him the £20k needed to buy a 40% share in Pasta Best. But the tricky wee monkey has got the loan in the name of Jack Duckworth, and their lovely home in Coronation Street is security. Gasp! Leanne gasped, and she objected a bit, but Paul pointed out that she didn't get her money by exactly squeaky clean means, either, and needs must, so she's going along with his corrupt scheme. Come back Tyrone! We need your moral fibre, love of the Duckworths and all round good-guyness. Sadly he's still away in Spain bailing his mother out.

Mel Kebab was looking after the kebab shop on her own after Darryl wandered off, and two young thugs tried to extort kebabs off her for no payment (they could at least have gone for the Jerry Hat Trick, which I believe involves chips). The hero of this particular hour turned out to be none other than Eileen, who gave the scalliwags what-for and sent them packing. She needed a brandy afterwards, mind, but her heroic deed only cemented in Jerry's mind what a Good Egg she is. Love is in the air, and I may get triple use out of my wedding hat (if Sarah-love and Jason, and Michelle and Steve, make it to t'altar as well).

CATCH-UP - The bitter and the sweet

I feel sorry for Oh-David.

No, honestly, I really do. He's a bright lad - he got an A* in the only GCSE he could be bothered to sit - but he hasn't had an easy life.

I know this doesn't excuse his evil streak. The Lovely Craig Harris had a hard life, too, and he grew up to be a truly luminous example of niceness. Ditto Fiz, and Chesney.

Maybe it's a testament to the good acting work of Jack P Shepherd, that even while David is being the Spawn of Satan, I can still feel some sympathy with him. Today he overheard his nearest and dearest discussing how he was a wrong 'un who'd never amount to anything. No wonder he's turning to the dark side.

Meanwhile, Jack and Vera celebrated 50 years of married bliss. It was rather moving - everyone assembled in t'Rovers, even Deirdre, who's been taken out of the Corrie Cupboard (where they keep cast members who aren't currently being used - it incorporates a tanning booth, just in case you were wondering why they usually come back browner) specially for the occasion, though Ken is still in there. Jack told how he and Vera had met, at the funfair where he was one of those greasy, be-quiffed lads who spun you too fast on the waltzer. Vera, he said, was the prettiest girl at the fair. Not a dry eye in the house. It made Emily and Rita go all nostalgic for the men they'd loved and lost (Ernest and Len, not Alan Bradley).

CATCH-UP - The boy's not right in t'head

Just how gorgeous was Liam looking last night? He had a business meeting with some bloke who never turned up, at Leanne's restaurant (from now on I'm going to call it Pasta Best), and he was wearing a striped shirt and dark jacket and looked fantastic. Leanne couldn't resist him. But he could resist her, I'm happy to report. In fact a romance with Queen of Hair, Maria Sutherland, is on t'cards for TV's most handsome man. I hope she treats him right.

Vera's grandson wants to invest in Pasta Best. Getting the money together involves procuring a driving license in Jack's name. What is he up to??

But the real drama of the evening centred on Oh-David. He was supposed to be going to the cinema with Mel Kebab, but Sarah-love told Mel Kebab that David was a strange stalker type who would quickly become obsessed with her, so Mel stood David up. Of course this made Oh-David become quickly obsessed with Mel Kebab, and he told Amber that he's slept with her but she was so boring he was forced to dump her. Amber relayed this to Sarah-love, who made sure Mel knew, then Jerry Kebab confronted Gail about it. Gail made David apologise and grovel in front of the entire Kebab family, plus Kelly, Cilla and Chesney, Sarah-love and Audrey. Thoroughly humiliated, David later climbed on to a roof and outlined to Jason his sincere wish to shoot his sister, mother and grandmother. Disturbed!

Cilla is now working in a care home and has her sights set on a rich paraplegic man. She's treating him to glimpses of stocking tops and cleavage, in a subtle effort to impress.

CATCH-UP - Just in Casey...

If I was Audrey, I'd be sleeping with a fire extinguisher next to my bed. This is not to keep Bill Webster at bay, but because Audrey has incurred the wrath of "Head" Casey, and we know she can be a bit of a twisted firestarter when she's upset. Audrey tried to warn her off Ashley, you see. Ashley is a bit nervous now, and wouldn't let Casey through the door. Anyway, he was just about to put Our Joshua in t'bath.

Liam doesn't seem to like Wosie calling him "Liam." I think he thinks it's disrespectful to Sally, because he's a good Irish boy at heart.

Paul - the hardest working chef in the north west - mentioned to Leanne that a few more staff at t'restaurant wouldn't come amiss, being as he's doing all the ordering, preparing, cooking and serving of the food. She admitted that there's a cash-flow issue. I wonder how long before she's ringing Dev's bell again? In a manner of speaking.

Bill Webster came up with a cunning plan to create more living space at Platt Towers. Knock through to t'garage, and make a bedroom there for Oh-David. Problem is Oh-David is refusing to be delighted with this scheme. He knows that if he stays put, Jason and Sarah-love will have to continue sharing a room with Sarah's invisible child, Bethany (who hasn't materialised for about 2 months so I don't know why they're bothered really). And David loves to make Sarah's life even more miserable.

CATCH-UP - Lovely Rita

Michelle's forgiven Steve, but reminded him that She Demands Total Honesty in a relationship. Good luck with that, then.

Michelle's stunning black hair has been looking a tad too sculptural since she came back from Ireland. It just looks too high-maintenance to be the hair of a recently bereaved/single mother/part-time barmaid. One might almost suspect her of being an actress...

Casey has been spotted by various people at various times in various dressing gowns, wandering around Peacock Towers. Ashley had a go at Kevin for being concerned, thus proving what a guilty conscience he has. "We 'aven't done anything wrong," he reassured Casey. I'll leave him to take that one up at the Pearly Gates when the time comes.

Rita is back. "Rita! You're back!" exclaimed everybody. This alerted me to the fact that Rita had been away, a fact I'd missed. Okay, so she wasn't much in evidence, but I assumed she was in t'back of t'shop, or at t'cash and carry. She's probably been to Cartmel to visit Mavis. Has her return thrown a spanner in the works of Norris's courtship of Doreen, or is Rita his true love? Or Emily? Or Blanche? Etc etc etc.

Sally and Kevin discovered that Rosie (or "Wosie" as Sally pronounces it) is quitting school in order to be a full-time, permanent knicker factory administrator. They weren't pleased - all those school fees down the drain! But I can see the attraction in Underworld. His name is Liam Connor.

And finally, you'll be relieved to hear that Dev has recovered from his salad cream overdose.

CATCH-UP - Steve, just tell the truth

It's all unfurled exactly as predicted - Michelle forgave Steve for kissing a lady on holiday because he said he couldn't go any further because his love for Michelle made it impossible. Then of course she found out that it was Glen and not Glenda Steve was kissing, and the reason Steve hadn't gone any further was that he is no fan of musical theatre, and she's cross with him again. Snore.

Meanwhile, Dev explained that he loved salad cream. He'd had a flirtation with tomato pickle, but it just didn't work for him, and nor did mayonnaise. It had to be salad cream. He couldn't get enough of salad cream, he said, smothering his sandwich in that delicious condiment. But he overdid it, spluttered a bit, and subsequently swore off salad cream temporarily.

It was a bit like that, last night's double episode - full of these little moments that were amusing and slightly surreal, and made you feel like you'd perhaps nodded off and missed something.

I suppose I should mention that Casey spent the night with Ashley (we assume, as she was at Peacock Towers in the morning, wearing Clurr's dressing gown). So, girls, we now know that the way to a man's heart is to ply him with jacket spuds, tuna and salad.

Audrey is concerned about the way Casey is worming her way into Ashley's life and told him so, but he is in Guilty Denial.

Poor Sally is having a hard time at t'factory, as her own daughter has now been trained to supervise her stitching technique and it has been found wanting. Liam (bless) is not that happy at the way Carla uses Rosie to humiliate Sally. But Sally got the best line of the evening, when Janice was ribbing her about her daughter, and Sally commented that she was currently studying a play of great relevance to Janice's daughter: 'Tis Pity She's a Whore.

CATCH-UP - Plodding on

I haven't posted an episode catch-up for a few days. This is partly because I've had family members staying with me so I haven't had that much time, but also partly because I'm so bored with the "dude looks like a lady" post-Malta nonsense that my eyeballs start to bleed when I think of it.

Which is not to say that it's been all bad on t'Street recently. Last night's episode was written by Damon Rochefort, one of the trinity of writing geniuses, so it had its fair share of laughs and good lines.

Dev intimated that he might invest in the restaurant, and that his reward would be "fun." Leanne took this to mean that he was banking on her moral fibres still being loose, but as we know she's tightened them up recently, so she showed him the door.

Tyrone has been called away to Spain to sort out his mother, who has been arrested for being part of a shoplifting ring. Now, if the Corrie crew were desperate for some away days, that would have been a much more fun storyline than the Maltese transsexual scenario, as long as they could have persuaded Margi Clarke to reprise her brilliant role as Tyrone's mum. I think Tyrone is a very under-used character.

Casey continues to move in on Ashley - more or less literally, since she's persuaded Claire that yet another spell at her mother's is just the thing she needs. Claire's mother ought surely by now to be gripping her offspring by the shoulders and giving her the "a marriage won't work unless you put some effort in" speech. Meanwhile, Casey is wooing Ashley via the medium of jacket spuds and tuna.

Liam was spotted the other day, but it was more of a brief glimpse than anything to report about. Looking lovely, though.

And there's been some nonsense about Norris forming a little club of Angela's ex-husbands. One of them is Keith Barron, stalwart of many a 70s drama. The point of this being that Norris has confessed to them that there is a woman in his life with whom he would like to be closer. Is it Rita? Emily? Rita's friend whose name I've forgotten? Blanche Hunt? Or, God forbid, Leanne?

Blogger won't let me upload any photos today, so apologies for the lack of visual interest.

CATCH-UP - Michelle's back. But Liam hasn't been seen for weeks...

Michelle and Steve are back together again. Ahhhhhhh....

She's told him she wants a commitment - no secrets, ever. Not ever, mind. I'm wondering whether the tedious Maltese ladyboy incident will come back to haunt Steve but can't imagine how. It's definitely not going to be plain-sailing for these two, not with Michelle issuing ultimatums like that. It's the soap equivalent of an unexploded bomb.

But in the meantime, my wedding hat is back out of mothballs and looking ravishing. I just have to ponder matching shoes now.

Wedding preparations are also preoccupying Sarah-love and Our Jason. Yawn.

The Tempest is preoccupying Sally, and Kevin has had to cater for the family using salad ingredients, such is the level of his wife's neglect.

Leanne was searching for a mug - I mean, investor. Who do we know on the Street who's got quite a few quid and is susceptible to a bit of female flattery? Step forward Dev Alahan.

The police were hovering around asking questions about t'fire. Claire thinks they think she did it. Claire's wondering if Ashley did it. I'm thinking of going round and finishing the job - but only if I can be interrogated afterwards by that lovely Scouse copper who investigated Tracey-love's bludgeoning of Charlie Stubbs.

CATCH-UP - My Malta hell

Today's episode, sponsored by the Malta tourist board (not really, still sponsored by Cadbury), featured Eileen and Steve wandering around scenic backdrops pondering their lack of luck in love. These Malta episodes have been totally pointless and dull, and I won't be booking a holiday to Malta any time soon.

Back in the Street, Roger is moving in wi' Janice because of his financial situation. Janice isn't that thrilled, but it's a case of needs must.

Needs must for Sarah too, as she plies the vicar with fig rolls in an attempt to convince him that his scenic church is just the spot for the Platt/Grimshaw nuptials.

And Norris received news that his ex-wife Angela is now his late ex-wife Angela. She expired on the golf course, apparently, and was below par at the time. "They usually are," commented Norris.

Yawn. Steve and Eileen are abroad. What is there lots of, abroad? Ladies who are really men, that's what. Only because it's abroad, they look more like ladies than men, unlike Hayley, who really is a lady playing a lady who used to be a man, but with a very bad wig on.

Are you following this? Well, basically Steve met a gorgeous brunette at the hotel bar, and they bonded over a shared rendition of Two Out of Three Ain'tBad at the karaoke. Steve should really have known something was up when she sang it perfectly in the same register as Meatloaf himself, but he had his beer goggles firmly in place by then. It could have all ended in a visit to the Jeremy Kyle Show, but this is Corrie, so it didn't.

And back in Weatherfield, Sarah-love is steaming ahead with her plans for The Wedding of the Century II.

CATCH-UP - Confessions from a small island

I'm a creature of habit. I like things to be cosy, familiar. That's probably why I like Coronation Street so much.

What I don't like is "away days" - episodes of set-based dramas which suddenly go on location to sunny countries for no better reason than that the crew fancy a few days in the sun.

Last night's Corrie featured Eileen and Steve in Malta, wandering around a series of scenic backdrops. I've never been to Malta, but it looked truly depressing - horses and carriages, cacti and blazing sun. Nightmare. Malta in this episode also featured Robin Askwith, who used to be in those Confessions soft-porn-comedy films in the 70s (he lives in Malta, apparently). He hasn't aged well, and the bags under his eyes were bigger than Eileen's suitcase.

Anyway, we left Eileen and Steve sharing a bed. He was out cold after a cold beer too many, and she was grumpy. Not terribly worth the carbon emissions generated by getting them out there in the first place, but there you go.

At least it diverted attention from Casey's irritating interventions in the life of the Peacocks.

But the episode wasn't all bad. We had Tyrone (surely the love child of Ray Winstone) being horrible to the Duckworth grandson, so that was worth the price of admission.

CATCH-UP - Men!

Casey and Ashley in the conservatory, K.I.S.S.I.N.G And as semi-nude as you're allowed to be on Corrie before the watershed. Honestly, in the conservatory of all places - overlooking the garden with the knee-high fence and the neighbours who are forever hanging washing out or having barbecues.

And where was Claire? At an unspecific "support group," at Casey's suggestion. She almost caught them at it, but not quite.

As if that wasn't enough excitement, Pat left his mobile in t'cab office, and Eileen, Steve and Lloyd were eventually unable to resist finding out who was texting him every five minutes. It was other women. Not his wife, who turns out to be fictional, but other women generally. "I'm a salesman. I get lonely," he whinged when confronted by Eileen. So he's dumped (and received a firm smack in the mouth as well). Eileen can cope with being the other woman, she just can't cope with being one of a string of women. She does have her pride, you know.

So she's gone off on holiday to Malta with Steve, who can't cope with not being contacted by Michelle. So much for giving Our Amy a stable environment.

And Sally is being helped in her literary ambitions by Fiz's boyfriend/Sophie's teacher John (time was when anyone who needed intellectual input would knock on Ken Barlow's door.... ). I do hope there isn't going to be any funny business. Sally does have a bit of a track record of getting too friendly with men who aren't Kevin.

CATCH-UP - Marvellous

All of Corrie's writers are good, but two or three of them (Jonathan Harvey, Daran Little and Damon Rochefort) are, IMO, proper geniuses.

It makes such a difference when the episode is written by one of them. Last night's was by Jonathan Harvey, and it was a cracker. Not much happened, mind: Sean couldn't contain the news that Violet was pregnant so he told (of all people) Jamie, so now Violet has a strop on with him. And the chippy closed down, so now Cilla is waging war on the kebab shop. And Steve came back from his holidays.

But the brilliance of it was in the details - it was a laugh a minute, with some lovely dialogue. I don't think it's any coincidence that I had a dream last night that I was in a spy-reality show with Neil Morrissey and Martin Clunes, because Jonathan Harvey's brand of writing genius is very similar to Simon Nye's in Men Behaving Badly.

I'm aware that this isn't much of a catch-up, but there wasn't all that much up with which to catch. And that's the marvellousness of Corrie - when it's at its best, it doesn't need to rely on sensational storylines. Just great writing, great acting and characters we care about.

CATCH-UP - Tasty

The Duckworth grandson, Paul, wooed Leanne with his carbonara ("Best I've ever 'ad!" said the girl who was brought up by Janice and Les - so she's bound to be a gourmet), so he's now employed as head (and only) chef.

Violet did a pregnancy test, which made her cry. We aren't supposed to be sure at this stage if they were tears of joy or disappointment, but I'll give you a clue - I'm knitting bootees.

Sally is doing an English Literature A level. She has to read The Tempest, Pride and Prejudice and Howard's End. Good luck with that, then.

CATCH-UP - Peacock's tale

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, as the song goes. I've always thought that was somewhat dodgy advice.

The one Ashley loves is Claire, but she's still at her mum's with Baby Freddie (whose hair has mysteriously straightened recently - one might even suspect he was being played by More Than One Child). And the one he's with has been, at various times, Our Joshua, Kevin Webster, Kirk and - increasingly - Casey. That Casey has been winkling her way into his affections with the ruthless inexorability of MRSA, and the double episode ended with them kissing. Ashley is hideously embarrassed, and Casey has assured him it'll all be forgotten about by t'morning, but I doubt that, somehow.

In other news, we still don't know if Violet is pregnant, but Sean is becoming very irritating as he waits for news.

Leanne's fortunes at t'restaurant go from bad to worse. She's just discovered that Vera and Jack's grandson is a chef, and she needs a chef... how long before he's installed in her kitchen? Oh, someone just phone Gordon Ramsay, pronto.

CATCH-UP - Love Man

Music is the food of love, as anyone who's ever listened to Damon Albarn will testify.

Liz employed the power of music, namely that of Otis Redding, to persuade Vernon not to leave her. She cunningly supplied Lloyd with a tape of a musical history of her relationship with Vernon, to play in the car on the way to th'airport, where Vernon was bound for some hedonistic musical residence in Malaga, or Maguluf, or one of those Spanish places beginning in Mag.

It worked! By the end of the episode Vernon's hang-dog face was back at t'Rovers and all was right with the world.

Only not quite, because this is a soap, and if everyone was happy there'd be no reason to watch it tomorrow. So we still have Ashley and Claire at odds with each other, still have Casey worming her way into Ashley's affections.

And we still have Leanne making a right mess of the restaurant trade. She was even reduced to asking Carla to be a sleeping partner, with a £20,000 investment in exchange for a 30% share of the business. But, like a scene from Dragon's Den, Carla said she'd give her the £20k, but would want a 60% share. "Then you'd be me boss," fretted Leanne, her wonky eyes getting wonkier by the second. Carla said take it or leave it, Leanne decided she'd leave it.

In other news, I heard on the radio yesterday that Liz Dawn, who has played Vera Duckworth since almost the beginning of time (1974) will be leaving the show this year due to ill health. The end of an (V)era.

CATCH-UP - Women, eh?

Joanne's sick of being a yo-yo and she's putting her foot down. She's threatening to take Liam and Carla to a tribunal - her for unfair dismissal and him for sexual harrassment. "You think you're God's gift to women!" she says to Liam.

Look at him, you fool - he is God's gift to woman, and I, for one, am eternally grateful.

(Which doesn't make sexual harrassment right, of course, but he didn't, actually).

Elsewhere, Casey is making herself indispensable to Ashley. Sneaky mare.

And I forgot to mention previously, but Roger admitted to Janice the other day that he has no money - he gave it all to Leanne. And today Leanne made a right mess up of things in t'restaurant (she gives away free wine, and it doesn't take Gordon Ramsey to point out that this is financial suicide). The chef and head/only waiter have quit, and she is up excrement creek without a paddle.

CATCH-UP - Don't scare the Peacocks

Claire needs a bit of space, so she's packed Baby Freddie and his amusing halo of hair and gone to her mother's, leaving Ashley and Our Joshua to fend for themselves. At times like these a girl Needs A Friend, and since former bezzie mate Tracey "Murderess" Barlow is banged up, Claire turned to her new/old close pal "Head" Casey for sympathy-slash-support. Which Casey was very happy to provide, and her cheering up of Claire complete, she then went and visited Ashley. It seems that Casey may well have designs on the butch butcher - they were sitting a bit too close on one of the famously small Corrie sofas, and at one point Casey was actually stroking Ashley's arm! Yikes! He was only saved by the timely appearance of Our Joshua.

Meanwhile, Joanne has assumed the status of human yo-yo, as Carla sacks her one minute only for Liam to reinstate her the next.

And Eileen introduced Pat to her son and her daughter-in-law-to-be. They got on famously, but after Pat had gone Eileen dropped the bombshell that he was married. Sarah-Love and Our Jason were shocked.

CATCH-UP - Something for the weekend?

Maria Sullivan has an incredible talent as a hairdresser - people leave the salon looking exactly the same as when they went in. She achieves this by standing chatting to them and hovering a comb approximately 3cm from their head. After a while they thank her, pay her, and leave.

Nice work if you can get it, and even nicer when the head you're hovering over is that of Liam Connor. Liam really didn't need a haircut, having just had one last week, but the scriptwriters obviously noticed that two of the most attractive cast members had been single for too long, so Liam took the bold step of deciding to have his beautiful black hair trimmed at t'salon.

Elsewhere, Ashley was worried about Claire again as she went AWOL shortly before Freddie's first birthday party, and forgot to pick Our Joshua up from school. She'd been at the police station finding out if there'd been any progress on the hunt for the evil arsonist/baby snatcher. There hadn't (they should get that Scouse detective back, he was much better).

There's always a spectre at every Corrie feast, and at Freddie's birthday feast the spectre was Casey. She'd come ostensibly to apologise to Claire for the "horrible" things she said to and about her on their previous meeting. She's a cunning one, that Casey, and it wasn't long before she and Claire were curled up on the Peacock sofa having a good old chinny-wag and declaring that they each needed a friend and the friend they needed was each other. Meanwhile the other party guests were all packed into the conservatory, with Ashley ducking out in time to hear Claire giving him a bit of a slagging off to her new best mate.

Vernon spent the night in t'cab office sleeping in that nasty armchair. He's not interested in getting back with Liz, and feels that people don't take him seriously. Violet also accused Liz of not taking Vernon seriously and said she always felt that Liz was stringing Vernon along for want of anything better. Liz was shocked by this, but later had to admit there was a grain of truth to it. Now she has asked Lloyd to offer Vernon a room in his flat, which she (Liz) will pay for secretly.

Janice and Roger went to Leanne's restaurant, and Roger was worried about the profit margins. Cilla came in asking for a job, and Leanne took great pleasure in showing her the door.

CATCH-UP - Don't go breaking his heart

A new face on the Street, and he's going to be Trouble.

We know this because his father is Terry Duckworth, good-for-nothing spawn of Vera and Jack. Molly has been getting in touch with everyone in Vera's address book, hoping that someone will relieve her and Tyrone of the burden of caring for the elderly twosome. When Paul Clayton turns up it looks like her prayers have been answered, but they do say be careful what you wish for. Tyrone is the only one who isn't fooled by Paul's devoted grandson schtick.

Meanwhile, Liz should also have taken more care about what she wished for. She wanted a bit of excitement and passion in her life, and lo and behold there was Derek. Only it turns out that Derek is an even more needy and weedy specimen than Vernon.

Having been dumped by his wife, Derek turns up at t'Rovers to have a cry on Vernon's shoulder. But while Vernon is busy elsewhere, Derek tells Liz he'll tell Vernon all about their affair - unless Liz agrees to keep seeing him. That's the thing with men like Derek, they have to have a woman at their beck and call, and it doesn't much matter which woman. The love of Derek's life was and is always going to be Derek, but that probably won't stop Mrs Derek having him back eventually.

But Liz wants none of it, so Derek tells Vernon what he and Liz have been up to, with times and dates. Vernon is devastated. He'd sold his Northern Soul record collection to buy a weekend in Paris for Liz (which would be commendable if we could conveniently forget that the reason he's so skint is that he's a lazy waste of space). He tears up the plane tickets (great news for the environment! But recycle that torn up paper, Vern), packs his little bag, and leaves.

In other news, Carla sacked Joanne. Don't really know why, don't really care.

CATCH-UP - Are you ready, boots?

Sally is 40. No, I'm not obsessed with the ages of the Websters (see Get Vell Soon) - this is relevant to the episode, because Sally had a birthday party. There was karaoke in t'Rovers, which was disturbing enough because we had to put up with Kevin singing Mustang Sally, and Sally's own take on These Boots Are Made For Walking. Earlier on we'd "enjoyed" a very free interpretation of Bridge Over Troubled Water by that queen of song, Gail Platt, which was enough to straighten Art Garfunkle's hair with the sheer horror of it..

In the midst of all this merry-making, who should walk in but Derek's wife? And in a state of some upsetment, too. Liz had no choice but to invite her through to t'back, where Mrs Derek sobbed that she knew that Derek was having an affair and was worried that he would leave her. He'd had affairs before, but this one was different - it was like he wanted to be caught out, hence it must be serious.

A mortified Liz put the hypothetical question, "If you knew the affair was over, would that make things alright?" Mrs Derek conceded that it might help, but how could she be convinced of such a thing? Liz tried to say that Derek had confided in her about his affair, but Mrs Derek wasn't buying that ("he doesn't tell anybody anything"), so Liz had to come clean about the whole sorry business.

I never thought I'd feel sorry for Vernon, but he's been really sweet in the last couple of days and he's going to be ever so upset when this comes out.

Get Vell Soon

Poor old Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin) has broken 3 ribs playing football, according to ThisIsNottingham.

This proves once again that exercise is very bad for you. I have never once broken a rib in all my years of slumping on the sofa clutching the remote control - although as I get older, arthritic thumbs could well become an issue.

And speaking of age, who knew that our Kev is 42? He's wearing very well, I must say, apart from the ribcage of course. Maybe he could go to Gdansk and get some plastic Polish ribs, like Blanche did with her hip.

Anyway, I'd like to send Michael a virtual bunch of grapes and wish him a speedy recovery.

Who's been a naughty boy?

The Coronation Street producershave had their share of disciplinary issues recently, what with Les Battersby and "wanker-gate". And now Steven Arnold, the actor who breathes life into the helium-voiced charcutier Ashley Sibelius Peacock, has been AWOL and disrupted filming, according to What's On TV.

A spokesperson said, "He has never done it before and I am sure he won't do it again."

I wonder what he was doing during his lost day? Answers on a postcard, please.

CATCH-UP - Canapes, anyone?

Liz came back and was met at the coach station by Derek the dray man, who whisked her back to his high-rise love nest for a spot of afternoon delight. Scenes which some viewers may find disturbing. Particularly Derek's man-boobs.

More disturbing still, Mrs Derek arrived at the door and demanded to be let in, so Liz was ushered out onto the balcony in her red underwear. In fact she had to stand out there all the way through Tonight With Sir Trevor McDonald (or whatever was on ITV between tonight's two episodes), accompanied by wolf-whistles from cheery Mancunian builders below.

Anyway, Liz got back to t'Rovers, to a warm welcome from the love-struck Vernon (a man with a face like an unmade bed), who'd spent a fortune on chrysanths from Dev's in her honour.

Her suitcase was in Derek's boot, though, which took a bit of explaining, and Liz spent most of the second episode moping around in the back yard of t'pub waiting for Derek to text her.

He turned up at the pub later on, and they met outside in that archway under t'viaduct. Liz said it was all over, she couldn't cope with this level of excitement at her time of life - but they ended up snogging anyway.

In other news, Carla appointed Rosie Webster as her PA, much to Sally's annoyance. Liam wasn't pleased either, as Carla continues to show him who's boss.

Tyrone and Molly are getting really fed up with being at Jack and Vera's beck and call.

Leanne's new restaurant opened, with Leanne buying in far too much free food for her invited guests (apparently no-one outside Coronation Street was invited to attend). The head chef and head waiter are not very impressed with her managerial style, which consists of flouncing around ignoring anything they say because what can a complete catering rookie learn from two people who have been doing their jobs for years? (Carla, take note).

CATCH-UP - The Power Game

Power struggles were the predominant feature of the latest episode of Corrie.

1. Liam v Carla. Liam came back (oh joy), resplendent in fabulous new haircut (short), and he'd had a shave. And he discovered that t'factory was now in the hands of Carla de Ville, as her employees have dubbed her. And Ms de Ville is now majority shareholder and thus is calling the shots. The workers prefer Liam's more laid-back style, but at the moment Carla has the upper hand. It's like JR and Sue Ellen all over again, except of course they were married to each other.

2. Steve v Vernon. On Vernon's side is the power of inertia, a mighty force which can glue someone to a bar stool immovably, even when there's bottling-up to be done. Problem is that Steve is taking the nightmare-before-Christmas that is Amy on some form of holiday, and Liz hasn't yet returned from her self-imposed exile in Derbyshire, so Vernon is in charge of t'Rovers. Oh dear.

3. Eileen v Her Conscience. Eileen knows Pat is married, and she knows it's not entirely ethical to be still sleeping with him, but she's shelved her moral fibre in favour of some Irish fun.
4. Leanne v The Catering Industry. So far only a broken boiler (and how useful that her mother's boyfriend is a plumber) has given Leanne a problem in t'restaurant, but her problems must be far from over.

5. The Duckworths v Tyrone & Molly. Jack's done his back in, Vera still has a bad leg. And poor Tyrone and Molly would love to move out and live somewhere where they don't have to mediate between warring pensioners over who gets the brown sauce first, but they are too kind-hearted and don't want to leave J & V in the lurch.

6. Wong's Chippy v Jerry's Kebab Shop. This is a straightforward issue of competition in fast food retail, complicated by the fact that Yana and Cilla are involved.

Fuming

I mentioned the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces the other day, and Corrie has been featuring it in various scenes (including an officious passer-by telling Steve and Lloyd off yesterday for smoking in their own cab - which, as a workplace, is covered by the ban).

The No Smoking signs have also been going up at Granada Studios, much to the annoyance of wheezing cast members Steven Arnold (Ashley Peacock), Bill Tarmey (Jack Duckworth), Anne Kirkbride (Deirdre Barlow), Bev Callard (Liz McDonald) and Simon Gregson (Steve McDonald), who are now not allowed to smoke in their dressing rooms.

Bless them. My advice is to take up knitting - it's better for your health, keeps your hands busy and at the end of it you could have a nice pair of socks or a cardie to keep you warm.

CATCH-UP - Fred-bare

In scenes reminiscent of those episodes of Friends in which Monica made Chandler have sex practically constantly in an effort to get pregnant, in the latest Corrie episode we have Violet ordering Sean into the bathroom with a plastic cup and a picture of Freddie Ljungberg at any given opportunity. The poor man was fair worn out, and I recommend zinc supplements.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Steve staked out Pat's house to check if there was indeed a Mrs Pat, and indeed there does seem to be one such female. They tossed a coin for who gets to tell Eileen, and Steve lost. He now has to tell her during the next episode (oh...the...suspense...zzzz...).

CATCH-UP - The deed is done, finally

All this business with Violet and Sean is getting very tiresome. In fact, Corrie is in a bit of a slump at the moment, plot-wise. It's possibly because the storyline about baby Freddie being kidnapped was supposed to run for a long time but was pulled because of the Madeleine McCann disappearance, and this has left a bit of a hole which the poor writers have been struggling to fill.

Anyhoo, speaking of writers, Debbie Oates did a lovely job yesterday skirting around the delicate issue of how to convey that a gay man and his female best friend had a go at making a baby "the natural way," gave up in some embarrassment and achieved the desired result each in separate rooms - all before the watershed. So we left Sean and Violet wondering if Violet might be pregnant.

Carla took up the reins at Underworld after overhearing Becky and Hayley talking about how much stress Hayley was under. Her first job was to tell Sally to get lost when Sally suggested herself for the role of Carla's PA.

Roy and Hayley had a dinner party for Fiz and John, to which Cilla invited herself.

And in a shock that will come as no surprise (or was it a surprise that will come as no shock?), Jamie recognised Eileen's new boyfriend, Pat. "It's comedian Sean Hughes off the telly!" chortled Jamie.

No, he didn't, I'm being silly. What Jamie did say, to Steve and Lloyd, was that he was sure he'd had Pat in the back of his cab on previous occasions. Pat and Mrs Pat. Yes, Pat is married, and Eileen's bad luck with love continues (yawn). But fear ye not, viewer, for Jerry (Sinbad off Brookie) is gazing at Eileen like a lovesick, pudgy schoolboy. He will be there to pick up the pieces once Sean-Hughes-off-the-telly's guest contract has expired.

Off-screen, exciting news for Antony Cotton (Sean), who has been given his own chat show.

CATCH-UP - Baste of time

The past couple of episodes have seen a lot of humming a ha-ing between Violet and Sean. She wants a baby, but needs a sperm donor. He is the owner of sperm he is happy to donate, and is willing to be as involved or not with the baby as Violet would like him to be. They are great friends.

So slightly dull that it took them so long to agree to the plan. Now tonight I'm expecting more tiresome business while they have a go at doing things the natural way, before giving up and going the turkey baster route.

All of this being slightly tricky to explain to my 9 year old daughter, BTW.

In other news, if we can call it that, we left Eileen and Pat wandering up the wooden hills to Passionsville (thank goodness the camera didn't go with them).

And in Britain, the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces came into force today, so cue a lot of nonsense with Steve desperate to smoke (we hardly ever see him smoke, so it was a tad implausible) and Violet and Sean looking for somewhere quiet to continue their baby talk and finding the back yard of t'Rovers full of furtive exiled smokers. Har har.

Leanne got the keys to her new restaurant, but there were some sly looks going on between the outgoing proprietor and the head chef. I don't think Leanne can expect an easy ride from her staff, somehow.

CATCH-UP - Janice's knight in shining armour

I told you that Roger was a good bloke. Janice asked him for the £10,000 to give to Leanne, so she could buy the restaurant without having to sell herself to afford it. Roger was a bit shocked to hear about Leanne's former career, but after a bit of a think he told Janice he would lend her the money, and if she wanted to give it to Leanne that was up to her. Bless him.

A while back, I mentioned the turkey baster which I felt Violet would soon be employing in a non-traditional manner. This prediction moved a little closer to fruition last night when Violet went to her GP to discuss sperm donation. Since hearing this news, Sean has been wandering around with a thoughtful, concerned expression on his face.

Carla discovered that Paul left everything to her - t'factory, t'swish penthouse, t'lot.

And David Platt wound everybody up in t'salon, but employed serious amounts of charm for old ladies who give big tips. He may be the Antichrist, but he's no fool.

Saving the world, one bottle at a time

Corrie's Beverley Callard has become the face of recycling in the north of England. Life mirrors fiction for Bev, who is a landlady in real life as well as in the guise of her alter ego, Liz Macdonald. She says in that exciting journal Materials Recycling Week (what do you mean, you haven't got your subscription yet?), "My family are all keen recyclers and I’m determined that our business will also reflect these values. I’ll be working with the brewery behind my new pub to make sure we recycle all of our glass."

It's nice to see one of the country's most beloved actresses taking a lead in the battle to save the planet. I was also thrilled that the Kaiser Chiefs have made it their business to remind us to not leave our phone chargers plugged in.

CATCH-UP - New leaves

Leanne still fancies the idea of herself as a restaurant owner. Trouble is, Carla doesn't fancy the idea of being her partner any more (wonder why?). Which leaves Leanne with a shortfall of £20,000. Now, how is a girl supposed to come up with that kind of cash in a week? Leanne has her methods, as we know, and apparently the pay is better in London, so she heads off for the coach station. But when the coach comes, Leanne can't bring herself to get on it (I know how she feels. She should have got the train). Janice breathlessly arrives at t'coach station to find Leanne in tears. Janice says she's very glad Leanne isn't going back to her old ways, and they will find a way of getting the money.

Can it be a coincidence that Janice's plumber/love interest Roger is back on the scene? Now, I must confess to a soft spot for Roger, because Andrew Dunn, who plays him, once smiled at me at Kings Cross Station (see what I mean about trains?) and in real life he is a very attractive man. Maybe not quite in the same league as Liam, but then who is?

Elsewhere, it was celebration time in t'Rovers. It was Steve's birthday, and flowers arrived. He assumed they were from Michelle, bless him, but they were actually from his mum. The only card he got was from Sean. Strange how his own twin brother had apparently forgotten his birthday.

And the older residents of the Street gathered to celebrate the life of Blanche. She's not dead - she just fancied having a wake while she was still there to enjoy it. But it rapidly turned into a scene reminiscent of A Christmas Carol, when everybody told Blanche quite what a miserable old bag she was. She instantly decided to turn over a new leaf and went out in the Street dispensing goodwill and bonhomie, giving Chesney 50p to buy ice cream, telling Leanne that "being a sex worker doesn't have the stigma it once had," and generally being very un-Blanche-like. Until she came upon the embodiment of the Youth of Today in the form of Amber. Being ignored in t'shop while Amber sent texts was enough to have Blanche restored to full crabby glory pretty darn quick.

And in the factory, Hayley is failing to maintain any sort of discipline.

And Joanne came back, having been given permission to remain in the country.

CATCH-UP - Frustration

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air, as the song goes.

I did while watching Corrie yesterday. Firstly, at Gail's parenting skills, or lack of. Oh-Day-vid has been sacked by Bill Webster for causing over £300 worth of damage in t'builder's yard. So what is Gail's response? She's not going to let David off, oh no. She's insisting on him working. So it's back to t'salon. FOR PITY'S SAKE, WOMAN! You have spawned the Antichrist and you are sending him to work in a hairdressing salon! That's really showing him who's boss.

My hands also flew up in the air in sheer frustration at how people who are in love have to have obstacles thrown in their way all the time in drama. I know, I know, that's what makes it "drama," but it gets on my nerves. That's why I can't cope with romantic comedy (which is ironic to say the least). Today we had a grief-stricken Michelle telling Steve (who loves her, she loves him, and they are just perfect together) that she needs him but her son doesn't, the son must come first, hence she is taking him to Dublin for the foreseeable. FOR PITY'S SAKE, WOMAN! You deserve some happiness in your life and Steve MacDonald has "I will make Michelle happy" written right through him like a stick of rock.

I know what's going on really. Kym Ryder and Rob James-Collier (you don't think I'd forgotten him already, do you?) have both had some heavy storylines recently and a lot of screen time, so they're both due a holiday. Expect them both to return with a nice tan in a few weeks.

In other news, Claire and Ashley and Our Joshua and Baby Freddie went to stay with Claire's mum for a while, to "clear their heads." Will Casey use their absence to infiltrate Peacock Towers and sew prawns into the curtain linings and other dastardly deeds? We shall have to wait and see.

CATCH-UP - Sacked! Again.

I'm writing this a couple of days later and Friday's episode is something of a hazy memory. Let's think...

Claire found out Casey's address from Steve (who had driven her home after she went round to Peacock Towers t'other day), so she and Ashley went round there and "tackled" Casey. But that Casey is a cunning one, and managed to twist things round so it sounded like it was Claire who was dangerously delusional. And you know it doesn't take a lot to confuse Ashley.

The factory is not running very smoothly without Liam. I don't know why Sally doesn't offer her services - she used to be an administrative whizz when she worked for Lecherous Ian's Luxury Car Dealership. She'd do a far better job than Hayley, anyway.

And talking of people not doing very good jobs, today we had David Platt diligently sawing up timber at t'builder's yard. Problem was, this was £300 worth of roofing timber he was carefully sawing into bite-sized chunks and then placing in a skip. His plan was for Bill Webster to sack him, and Bill Webster duly obliged. Oh-Day-vid!

CATCH-UP - Case(y) for the defence

(Promise I'll stop the Casey puns soon) Casey presents herself at the police station (what's happened to that Scouse police officer who used to work there? I loved his voice). She's entirely innocent, she says. Later on she turns up at Peacock Towers, yelling at Claire for thinking she's capable of such dastardly deeds and for filling the tv and newspapers with her photo. Claire and Ashley make her leave.

Liam spent the episode slumping around the factory looking devilishly handsome in a tragic way. Not once did he smile and reveal the best teeth in the Street. In fact, by the end of it he was so fed up that he asked Lloyd to take him to t'airport. He wanted to go as far away from Weatherfield as humanly possible.

Here's hoping he doesn't stay away long.

In the meantime, I found an interesting interview with Rob James-Collier (several months old but I just found it and it's worth a read). Who knew that he has a Masters degree in marketing? Beauty and brains.

CATCH-UP - Case(y) for the prosecution

Oh frabjous day! Calloo, callay! Liam's back. With his raven-haired sister and raven-haired sister-in-law and raven-haired nephew. Just back from the funeral of Paul, so Liam's not at his smiley best, but give him time. Needless to say, none of them is in the mood to see Leanne.

Eileen has a date with comedian Sean Hughes, only they pretend they don't know it's comedian Sean Hughes off the telly and pretend it's someone called Pat instead. They did this when Sir Ian McKellen and Peter Kay guest-starred, too. Needless to say, Jerry is not in the mood to see Eileen and Pat kissing, and his sentiments are shared by anyone who might be having their tea at the time.

Better news for Claire, the human embodiment of "stress." When, during a routine service, Tyrone discovers a disposable camera that has been hidden under the seat of the Peacock's car, Claire realises that the camera must contain a photo of Casey, as Josh took one of her in t'park. And she's right! The very second the man at the 20 Minute Photo Shop hands back the blurred image, Claire is off to t'cops with it.

Later on, it's shown on TV. Have you seen this woman? the police want to know. And guess who's watching? Casey herself. Ooh-er. Will this drive her to even more desperate actions?

In unrelated news, Bill Webster was somehow persuaded to re-employ David.

No Can(dice)-do

Oh gosh oh lordy am I upset. I've just discovered that Candice isn't coming back to Corrie after all. Sniff and sob.

But I also read a little rumourette that the man who evaded the Weatherfield gaydar for so long, Todd Grimshaw, may be coming back to attend the wedding of his former girlfriend and his brother.

And I also read that the actress who plays Violet and the actor who plays Jamie are in love - in real life! Bless.

Plus there are gossipings of a very interesting and major storyline involving Hayley - hurrah!

CATCH-UP - Head-Case(y)?

Everybody thinks Casey is Claire's imaginary friend. Or rather, she was Claire's imaginary friend, and now is her imaginary enemy.

It's been so long since we, the viewing public, publicly viewed Casey, that I'd begun to wonder whether she was real or not myself.

But today, we saw her! Peeping through the back gate of Peacock Towers in a menacing style. So she is real after all. But what does she want? And how will she get it? And will anyone be there to see her doing whatever it is she's going to do, or will they persist in thinking that Claire isn't quite right in t'head?

That other fruit-loop, David Platt, is continuing his quest to be the maddest, baddest character in Corrie since Alan Bradley ran in front of a Blackpool tram. In tonight's double episode (brought forward from Sunday because of the final of Britain's Got Talent - which is why they all persisted in thinking it was Father's Day even though it was only Friday), David told Jason he (David) was gay. And of course, since the fragrant Todd came out, Jason has been a bit sensitive about this issue, so he was only too eager to accept David's story. Of course it was all rubbish and just intended as a wind-up, and it worked a treat, but not as well as waiting till Jason was on Jerry's roof and then hiding his ladder. This both upset Jason, and led to Bill Webster sacking David - double result, as far as David's concerned.

In other news, Eileen has got a date with a man she's been phone-flirting with at t'cab office, much to the disappointment of Jerry, who is hankering after Milady Grimshaw's charms but failed to tell her in time.

Gratuitous Rob Collier pic of the day

Missing him already.

CATCH-UP - Tough love

Gail either reads this blog, or she reads my mind (like Matt Parkman in Heroes, who is a perfect cross between a guinea pig and Keanu Reeves).

Because although she hasn't made the appointment with Jeremy Kyle yet, she's decided that what David needs is a bit of Tough Love. So it's no more Mrs Nice Gail, from now on if Oh-Day-vid wants to live at Platt Towers he'll just have to darn well pay his own way.

Typically, Gail's approach is a bit on the namby-pamby side. "Any spare hours going at the salon?" she asks Audrey. But Audrey knows a thing or two about life, and knows that making cups of tea for pensioners isn't going to be the life-altering experience that Oh-Day-vid really needs. And Audrey does have another business after all - so she commands Bill Webster to take on David as an apprentice at t'building yard. Which will also keep him under the watchful eye of his new mentor, Jason.

In the best line of the episode, David regains his composure after being given this dreadful news, and heads for the door, saying, "If I'm going to be a builder, I'll need a vest and a checked shirt."

In other news, Sophie Webster is upset to hear that Fiz is going out with the man I must call John, a man who is also Sophie's drama teacher and upon whom she has (bizarrely) a crush. So she vandalises Fiz's beloved scooter. When Fiz sees the damage she assumes it's the work of Kirk (does she not know him at all?), and rushes to confront him. She says he just can't bear it that she's with John. "John who?" says an oblivious Kirk. Oops. He knows now, and he's not happy.

And Claire is feeling totally paranoid after receiving a silent phone call, and has taken to locking about fifteen bolts on the door.

CATCH-UP - Mentor man

Today, we're pondering the problem of Young People Today. Specifically, the Young Person who goes by the name of David Platt (or "Oh-Day-vid!" in Gail-speak).

"What's he done now?" I hear you groan. He's only gone and burned his exam paper, in the middle of the exam room, before walking out of the school to screams of rage from the fire-extinguisher-wielding teacher and a round of applause from his fellow pupils. Only the plonker is so dim he did the exam first before burning the paper. I suppose it's more of A Gesture that way.

The headmaster had to call round to Platt Towers - right in the middle of Beth's birthday party, as well. This occasioned "Oh-Day-vid"'s all around from Gail, Audrey, Bill Webster, and Sarah.

Now, in this country in 2007 there's a tried and tested way of dealing with troublesome teens. You take them on the Jeremy Kyle show. Jezza would spend a good ten minutes shouting at David onstage, before hauling him off to "boot camp" (a camping trip to Wales with compulsory on-camera sessions with a psychologist). David would then see the error of his ways, embrace Gail in a warm mother-and-son moment, and become a model citizen thereafter.

Gail's solution is kind of along those lines. Remember that Sarah wanted Jason to move in with them permanently? Well, Gail is now saying that this can go ahead, providing Jason adopts a mentoring role towards the boy for whom the only letters after his name are likely to be ASBO.

It's a poisoned chalice, surely, but as Jason has been David's only defender in this episode, and has managed to do so while wearing eyeliner (applied by Bethany), then he just might manage it.

Elsewhere, Kirky still doesn't know about Fiz and the man I must call John, and is still labouring under the impression that he and Fiz may soon be reunited. Bless him, the sad, deluded butcher (he's working for Ashley now, and while he's working he enjoys singing along to - appropriately enough - Meatloaf).

CATCH-UP - Reunited and it feels so good

All I need to say about this episode (apart from Liam has gone to Paul's funeral in Ireland, and I will miss him dreadfully) is that Ken and Deirdre are back together again.

The planet can resume its orbit.

CATCH-UP - The karma after the storm

Nothing much happened in last night's Corrie, to be quite truthful. Maybe they all need a respite after the drama of the last few weeks.

Ok, so Kelly and Janice ending up in a catfight in the street, but that's hardly front page news. It was funny, though - Janice was going at the task like a demented troll. Though trying to defend the final scraps of Leanne's "honour" was always going to be a lost cause.

Elsewhere, Denise the hairdresser has become quite fond of having a man (and in particular, the man who is Ken) in her life, and, misreading the signs somewhat, pounced on him with romantic intent. Nothing is more likely to send him rushing back to the arms of Deirdre, so let's hope she's busy spraying the soft furnishings with Febreze to get rid of the fag smells in preparation for his return.

And Jerry and Eileen continue to bond while they wipe feebly at the smoke stains on Ashley and Claire's wallpaper. Just rubbing it with a sponge won't help - it all needs stripping off and starting again, IMO.

Today's gratuitous Rob Collier photo

Wedding misery

There's one person who is hoping that my prediction of a Christmas wedding for Steve and Michelle doesn't come off, and that's Jenny McAlpine, who plays Fiz.

She's quoted in Inside Soap magazine as saying:

I hate filming weddings! It's so boring. You have to sit in a freezing church all day while they do the same shot over and over again. Honestly, when someone's character proposes, the rest of the cast all say 'Oh b***dy hell!'

Isn't the world of Corrie a funny one, though? If someone in my street gets married, they don't automatically invite the whole street and no-one but the street.

Candice!

Oh bliss, oh joy, Candice is coming back! Only briefly, apparently, but the light that shines half as long burns twice as bright, or whatever it is.

Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to seeing her. I hope she gets time with Audrey - I love those two together (m'darling).

CATCH-UP - A deathly Paul

He's gone. The Connor family now only has raven-haired members left, as Paul Connor and his more generalised darkish hair are no more.

Michelle didn't manage to get to the hospital in time to say goodbye. She wouldn't have gone at all if Steve hadn't persuaded her (he's a keeper, that one). When she finally did arrive, Carla was sobbing over her dearly departed, and Liam was in tears, too. Soon we had a weeping Connor combo (picture borrowed from itv.com website).

Later on, Leanne tried to explain things to Liam, but the poor thing is just raw with grief and literally threw her out in the street (much to the amusement of a passing Kelly).

Elsewhere, Ken offered to move out of Denise's. Daniel looked thrilled with that plan, but Denise said of course Ken must stay as long as he likes.

Eileen and Jerry (formerly known as Sinbad off Brookie) bonded while cleaning up at Ashley and Claire's. That's when good neighbours become good friends (I am really mixing up my soaps now).

And David Platt did his biology exam. This was because Amber bet him that he wouldn't pass. He hasn't done his other exams and doesn't plan to do any future ones, and Gail can't make him - she's not as cunning as Amber, you see.

Bottled

I loved this letter from the News & Star, a Cumbria-based newspaper:

I READ with some amusement the complaint by William Gill that he finds Coronation Street characters drinking out of bottles disgusting (News & Star, June 4).I couldn’t believe that he was so upset that he felt the need to write in to the local paper to complain.There obviously can’t be much wrong in the world if this is all that gets his dander up! What about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the fortnightly rubbish collections, the list is endless.Mr Gill even points to the fact that the bottles are usually green; does this make the habit more disgusting than drinking out of brown ones?Personally I’m more concerned that they are recycled properly, placed in the correct bin, which can only be put out on the morning of collection, and has to be on the kerbside so that the poor little bin man doesn’t have to walk that extra couple of steps to your driveway to collect it.And they can’t even be bothered to return it to the place in which they found it – mine usually ends up half way down the street!
G LITTLEBelle VueCarlisle