CATCH-UP - Men!

Casey and Ashley in the conservatory, K.I.S.S.I.N.G And as semi-nude as you're allowed to be on Corrie before the watershed. Honestly, in the conservatory of all places - overlooking the garden with the knee-high fence and the neighbours who are forever hanging washing out or having barbecues.

And where was Claire? At an unspecific "support group," at Casey's suggestion. She almost caught them at it, but not quite.

As if that wasn't enough excitement, Pat left his mobile in t'cab office, and Eileen, Steve and Lloyd were eventually unable to resist finding out who was texting him every five minutes. It was other women. Not his wife, who turns out to be fictional, but other women generally. "I'm a salesman. I get lonely," he whinged when confronted by Eileen. So he's dumped (and received a firm smack in the mouth as well). Eileen can cope with being the other woman, she just can't cope with being one of a string of women. She does have her pride, you know.

So she's gone off on holiday to Malta with Steve, who can't cope with not being contacted by Michelle. So much for giving Our Amy a stable environment.

And Sally is being helped in her literary ambitions by Fiz's boyfriend/Sophie's teacher John (time was when anyone who needed intellectual input would knock on Ken Barlow's door.... ). I do hope there isn't going to be any funny business. Sally does have a bit of a track record of getting too friendly with men who aren't Kevin.

CATCH-UP - Marvellous

All of Corrie's writers are good, but two or three of them (Jonathan Harvey, Daran Little and Damon Rochefort) are, IMO, proper geniuses.

It makes such a difference when the episode is written by one of them. Last night's was by Jonathan Harvey, and it was a cracker. Not much happened, mind: Sean couldn't contain the news that Violet was pregnant so he told (of all people) Jamie, so now Violet has a strop on with him. And the chippy closed down, so now Cilla is waging war on the kebab shop. And Steve came back from his holidays.

But the brilliance of it was in the details - it was a laugh a minute, with some lovely dialogue. I don't think it's any coincidence that I had a dream last night that I was in a spy-reality show with Neil Morrissey and Martin Clunes, because Jonathan Harvey's brand of writing genius is very similar to Simon Nye's in Men Behaving Badly.

I'm aware that this isn't much of a catch-up, but there wasn't all that much up with which to catch. And that's the marvellousness of Corrie - when it's at its best, it doesn't need to rely on sensational storylines. Just great writing, great acting and characters we care about.

CATCH-UP - Tasty

The Duckworth grandson, Paul, wooed Leanne with his carbonara ("Best I've ever 'ad!" said the girl who was brought up by Janice and Les - so she's bound to be a gourmet), so he's now employed as head (and only) chef.

Violet did a pregnancy test, which made her cry. We aren't supposed to be sure at this stage if they were tears of joy or disappointment, but I'll give you a clue - I'm knitting bootees.

Sally is doing an English Literature A level. She has to read The Tempest, Pride and Prejudice and Howard's End. Good luck with that, then.

CATCH-UP - Peacock's tale

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, as the song goes. I've always thought that was somewhat dodgy advice.

The one Ashley loves is Claire, but she's still at her mum's with Baby Freddie (whose hair has mysteriously straightened recently - one might even suspect he was being played by More Than One Child). And the one he's with has been, at various times, Our Joshua, Kevin Webster, Kirk and - increasingly - Casey. That Casey has been winkling her way into his affections with the ruthless inexorability of MRSA, and the double episode ended with them kissing. Ashley is hideously embarrassed, and Casey has assured him it'll all be forgotten about by t'morning, but I doubt that, somehow.

In other news, we still don't know if Violet is pregnant, but Sean is becoming very irritating as he waits for news.

Leanne's fortunes at t'restaurant go from bad to worse. She's just discovered that Vera and Jack's grandson is a chef, and she needs a chef... how long before he's installed in her kitchen? Oh, someone just phone Gordon Ramsay, pronto.

CATCH-UP - Love Man

Music is the food of love, as anyone who's ever listened to Damon Albarn will testify.

Liz employed the power of music, namely that of Otis Redding, to persuade Vernon not to leave her. She cunningly supplied Lloyd with a tape of a musical history of her relationship with Vernon, to play in the car on the way to th'airport, where Vernon was bound for some hedonistic musical residence in Malaga, or Maguluf, or one of those Spanish places beginning in Mag.

It worked! By the end of the episode Vernon's hang-dog face was back at t'Rovers and all was right with the world.

Only not quite, because this is a soap, and if everyone was happy there'd be no reason to watch it tomorrow. So we still have Ashley and Claire at odds with each other, still have Casey worming her way into Ashley's affections.

And we still have Leanne making a right mess of the restaurant trade. She was even reduced to asking Carla to be a sleeping partner, with a £20,000 investment in exchange for a 30% share of the business. But, like a scene from Dragon's Den, Carla said she'd give her the £20k, but would want a 60% share. "Then you'd be me boss," fretted Leanne, her wonky eyes getting wonkier by the second. Carla said take it or leave it, Leanne decided she'd leave it.

In other news, I heard on the radio yesterday that Liz Dawn, who has played Vera Duckworth since almost the beginning of time (1974) will be leaving the show this year due to ill health. The end of an (V)era.

CATCH-UP - Women, eh?

Joanne's sick of being a yo-yo and she's putting her foot down. She's threatening to take Liam and Carla to a tribunal - her for unfair dismissal and him for sexual harrassment. "You think you're God's gift to women!" she says to Liam.

Look at him, you fool - he is God's gift to woman, and I, for one, am eternally grateful.

(Which doesn't make sexual harrassment right, of course, but he didn't, actually).

Elsewhere, Casey is making herself indispensable to Ashley. Sneaky mare.

And I forgot to mention previously, but Roger admitted to Janice the other day that he has no money - he gave it all to Leanne. And today Leanne made a right mess up of things in t'restaurant (she gives away free wine, and it doesn't take Gordon Ramsey to point out that this is financial suicide). The chef and head/only waiter have quit, and she is up excrement creek without a paddle.

CATCH-UP - Don't scare the Peacocks

Claire needs a bit of space, so she's packed Baby Freddie and his amusing halo of hair and gone to her mother's, leaving Ashley and Our Joshua to fend for themselves. At times like these a girl Needs A Friend, and since former bezzie mate Tracey "Murderess" Barlow is banged up, Claire turned to her new/old close pal "Head" Casey for sympathy-slash-support. Which Casey was very happy to provide, and her cheering up of Claire complete, she then went and visited Ashley. It seems that Casey may well have designs on the butch butcher - they were sitting a bit too close on one of the famously small Corrie sofas, and at one point Casey was actually stroking Ashley's arm! Yikes! He was only saved by the timely appearance of Our Joshua.

Meanwhile, Joanne has assumed the status of human yo-yo, as Carla sacks her one minute only for Liam to reinstate her the next.

And Eileen introduced Pat to her son and her daughter-in-law-to-be. They got on famously, but after Pat had gone Eileen dropped the bombshell that he was married. Sarah-Love and Our Jason were shocked.

CATCH-UP - Something for the weekend?

Maria Sullivan has an incredible talent as a hairdresser - people leave the salon looking exactly the same as when they went in. She achieves this by standing chatting to them and hovering a comb approximately 3cm from their head. After a while they thank her, pay her, and leave.

Nice work if you can get it, and even nicer when the head you're hovering over is that of Liam Connor. Liam really didn't need a haircut, having just had one last week, but the scriptwriters obviously noticed that two of the most attractive cast members had been single for too long, so Liam took the bold step of deciding to have his beautiful black hair trimmed at t'salon.

Elsewhere, Ashley was worried about Claire again as she went AWOL shortly before Freddie's first birthday party, and forgot to pick Our Joshua up from school. She'd been at the police station finding out if there'd been any progress on the hunt for the evil arsonist/baby snatcher. There hadn't (they should get that Scouse detective back, he was much better).

There's always a spectre at every Corrie feast, and at Freddie's birthday feast the spectre was Casey. She'd come ostensibly to apologise to Claire for the "horrible" things she said to and about her on their previous meeting. She's a cunning one, that Casey, and it wasn't long before she and Claire were curled up on the Peacock sofa having a good old chinny-wag and declaring that they each needed a friend and the friend they needed was each other. Meanwhile the other party guests were all packed into the conservatory, with Ashley ducking out in time to hear Claire giving him a bit of a slagging off to her new best mate.

Vernon spent the night in t'cab office sleeping in that nasty armchair. He's not interested in getting back with Liz, and feels that people don't take him seriously. Violet also accused Liz of not taking Vernon seriously and said she always felt that Liz was stringing Vernon along for want of anything better. Liz was shocked by this, but later had to admit there was a grain of truth to it. Now she has asked Lloyd to offer Vernon a room in his flat, which she (Liz) will pay for secretly.

Janice and Roger went to Leanne's restaurant, and Roger was worried about the profit margins. Cilla came in asking for a job, and Leanne took great pleasure in showing her the door.

CATCH-UP - Don't go breaking his heart

A new face on the Street, and he's going to be Trouble.

We know this because his father is Terry Duckworth, good-for-nothing spawn of Vera and Jack. Molly has been getting in touch with everyone in Vera's address book, hoping that someone will relieve her and Tyrone of the burden of caring for the elderly twosome. When Paul Clayton turns up it looks like her prayers have been answered, but they do say be careful what you wish for. Tyrone is the only one who isn't fooled by Paul's devoted grandson schtick.

Meanwhile, Liz should also have taken more care about what she wished for. She wanted a bit of excitement and passion in her life, and lo and behold there was Derek. Only it turns out that Derek is an even more needy and weedy specimen than Vernon.

Having been dumped by his wife, Derek turns up at t'Rovers to have a cry on Vernon's shoulder. But while Vernon is busy elsewhere, Derek tells Liz he'll tell Vernon all about their affair - unless Liz agrees to keep seeing him. That's the thing with men like Derek, they have to have a woman at their beck and call, and it doesn't much matter which woman. The love of Derek's life was and is always going to be Derek, but that probably won't stop Mrs Derek having him back eventually.

But Liz wants none of it, so Derek tells Vernon what he and Liz have been up to, with times and dates. Vernon is devastated. He'd sold his Northern Soul record collection to buy a weekend in Paris for Liz (which would be commendable if we could conveniently forget that the reason he's so skint is that he's a lazy waste of space). He tears up the plane tickets (great news for the environment! But recycle that torn up paper, Vern), packs his little bag, and leaves.

In other news, Carla sacked Joanne. Don't really know why, don't really care.

CATCH-UP - Are you ready, boots?

Sally is 40. No, I'm not obsessed with the ages of the Websters (see Get Vell Soon) - this is relevant to the episode, because Sally had a birthday party. There was karaoke in t'Rovers, which was disturbing enough because we had to put up with Kevin singing Mustang Sally, and Sally's own take on These Boots Are Made For Walking. Earlier on we'd "enjoyed" a very free interpretation of Bridge Over Troubled Water by that queen of song, Gail Platt, which was enough to straighten Art Garfunkle's hair with the sheer horror of it..

In the midst of all this merry-making, who should walk in but Derek's wife? And in a state of some upsetment, too. Liz had no choice but to invite her through to t'back, where Mrs Derek sobbed that she knew that Derek was having an affair and was worried that he would leave her. He'd had affairs before, but this one was different - it was like he wanted to be caught out, hence it must be serious.

A mortified Liz put the hypothetical question, "If you knew the affair was over, would that make things alright?" Mrs Derek conceded that it might help, but how could she be convinced of such a thing? Liz tried to say that Derek had confided in her about his affair, but Mrs Derek wasn't buying that ("he doesn't tell anybody anything"), so Liz had to come clean about the whole sorry business.

I never thought I'd feel sorry for Vernon, but he's been really sweet in the last couple of days and he's going to be ever so upset when this comes out.

Get Vell Soon

Poor old Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin) has broken 3 ribs playing football, according to ThisIsNottingham.

This proves once again that exercise is very bad for you. I have never once broken a rib in all my years of slumping on the sofa clutching the remote control - although as I get older, arthritic thumbs could well become an issue.

And speaking of age, who knew that our Kev is 42? He's wearing very well, I must say, apart from the ribcage of course. Maybe he could go to Gdansk and get some plastic Polish ribs, like Blanche did with her hip.

Anyway, I'd like to send Michael a virtual bunch of grapes and wish him a speedy recovery.

Who's been a naughty boy?

The Coronation Street producershave had their share of disciplinary issues recently, what with Les Battersby and "wanker-gate". And now Steven Arnold, the actor who breathes life into the helium-voiced charcutier Ashley Sibelius Peacock, has been AWOL and disrupted filming, according to What's On TV.

A spokesperson said, "He has never done it before and I am sure he won't do it again."

I wonder what he was doing during his lost day? Answers on a postcard, please.

CATCH-UP - Canapes, anyone?

Liz came back and was met at the coach station by Derek the dray man, who whisked her back to his high-rise love nest for a spot of afternoon delight. Scenes which some viewers may find disturbing. Particularly Derek's man-boobs.

More disturbing still, Mrs Derek arrived at the door and demanded to be let in, so Liz was ushered out onto the balcony in her red underwear. In fact she had to stand out there all the way through Tonight With Sir Trevor McDonald (or whatever was on ITV between tonight's two episodes), accompanied by wolf-whistles from cheery Mancunian builders below.

Anyway, Liz got back to t'Rovers, to a warm welcome from the love-struck Vernon (a man with a face like an unmade bed), who'd spent a fortune on chrysanths from Dev's in her honour.

Her suitcase was in Derek's boot, though, which took a bit of explaining, and Liz spent most of the second episode moping around in the back yard of t'pub waiting for Derek to text her.

He turned up at the pub later on, and they met outside in that archway under t'viaduct. Liz said it was all over, she couldn't cope with this level of excitement at her time of life - but they ended up snogging anyway.

In other news, Carla appointed Rosie Webster as her PA, much to Sally's annoyance. Liam wasn't pleased either, as Carla continues to show him who's boss.

Tyrone and Molly are getting really fed up with being at Jack and Vera's beck and call.

Leanne's new restaurant opened, with Leanne buying in far too much free food for her invited guests (apparently no-one outside Coronation Street was invited to attend). The head chef and head waiter are not very impressed with her managerial style, which consists of flouncing around ignoring anything they say because what can a complete catering rookie learn from two people who have been doing their jobs for years? (Carla, take note).

CATCH-UP - The Power Game

Power struggles were the predominant feature of the latest episode of Corrie.

1. Liam v Carla. Liam came back (oh joy), resplendent in fabulous new haircut (short), and he'd had a shave. And he discovered that t'factory was now in the hands of Carla de Ville, as her employees have dubbed her. And Ms de Ville is now majority shareholder and thus is calling the shots. The workers prefer Liam's more laid-back style, but at the moment Carla has the upper hand. It's like JR and Sue Ellen all over again, except of course they were married to each other.

2. Steve v Vernon. On Vernon's side is the power of inertia, a mighty force which can glue someone to a bar stool immovably, even when there's bottling-up to be done. Problem is that Steve is taking the nightmare-before-Christmas that is Amy on some form of holiday, and Liz hasn't yet returned from her self-imposed exile in Derbyshire, so Vernon is in charge of t'Rovers. Oh dear.

3. Eileen v Her Conscience. Eileen knows Pat is married, and she knows it's not entirely ethical to be still sleeping with him, but she's shelved her moral fibre in favour of some Irish fun.
4. Leanne v The Catering Industry. So far only a broken boiler (and how useful that her mother's boyfriend is a plumber) has given Leanne a problem in t'restaurant, but her problems must be far from over.

5. The Duckworths v Tyrone & Molly. Jack's done his back in, Vera still has a bad leg. And poor Tyrone and Molly would love to move out and live somewhere where they don't have to mediate between warring pensioners over who gets the brown sauce first, but they are too kind-hearted and don't want to leave J & V in the lurch.

6. Wong's Chippy v Jerry's Kebab Shop. This is a straightforward issue of competition in fast food retail, complicated by the fact that Yana and Cilla are involved.

Fuming

I mentioned the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces the other day, and Corrie has been featuring it in various scenes (including an officious passer-by telling Steve and Lloyd off yesterday for smoking in their own cab - which, as a workplace, is covered by the ban).

The No Smoking signs have also been going up at Granada Studios, much to the annoyance of wheezing cast members Steven Arnold (Ashley Peacock), Bill Tarmey (Jack Duckworth), Anne Kirkbride (Deirdre Barlow), Bev Callard (Liz McDonald) and Simon Gregson (Steve McDonald), who are now not allowed to smoke in their dressing rooms.

Bless them. My advice is to take up knitting - it's better for your health, keeps your hands busy and at the end of it you could have a nice pair of socks or a cardie to keep you warm.

CATCH-UP - Fred-bare

In scenes reminiscent of those episodes of Friends in which Monica made Chandler have sex practically constantly in an effort to get pregnant, in the latest Corrie episode we have Violet ordering Sean into the bathroom with a plastic cup and a picture of Freddie Ljungberg at any given opportunity. The poor man was fair worn out, and I recommend zinc supplements.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Steve staked out Pat's house to check if there was indeed a Mrs Pat, and indeed there does seem to be one such female. They tossed a coin for who gets to tell Eileen, and Steve lost. He now has to tell her during the next episode (oh...the...suspense...zzzz...).

CATCH-UP - The deed is done, finally

All this business with Violet and Sean is getting very tiresome. In fact, Corrie is in a bit of a slump at the moment, plot-wise. It's possibly because the storyline about baby Freddie being kidnapped was supposed to run for a long time but was pulled because of the Madeleine McCann disappearance, and this has left a bit of a hole which the poor writers have been struggling to fill.

Anyhoo, speaking of writers, Debbie Oates did a lovely job yesterday skirting around the delicate issue of how to convey that a gay man and his female best friend had a go at making a baby "the natural way," gave up in some embarrassment and achieved the desired result each in separate rooms - all before the watershed. So we left Sean and Violet wondering if Violet might be pregnant.

Carla took up the reins at Underworld after overhearing Becky and Hayley talking about how much stress Hayley was under. Her first job was to tell Sally to get lost when Sally suggested herself for the role of Carla's PA.

Roy and Hayley had a dinner party for Fiz and John, to which Cilla invited herself.

And in a shock that will come as no surprise (or was it a surprise that will come as no shock?), Jamie recognised Eileen's new boyfriend, Pat. "It's comedian Sean Hughes off the telly!" chortled Jamie.

No, he didn't, I'm being silly. What Jamie did say, to Steve and Lloyd, was that he was sure he'd had Pat in the back of his cab on previous occasions. Pat and Mrs Pat. Yes, Pat is married, and Eileen's bad luck with love continues (yawn). But fear ye not, viewer, for Jerry (Sinbad off Brookie) is gazing at Eileen like a lovesick, pudgy schoolboy. He will be there to pick up the pieces once Sean-Hughes-off-the-telly's guest contract has expired.

Off-screen, exciting news for Antony Cotton (Sean), who has been given his own chat show.

CATCH-UP - Baste of time

The past couple of episodes have seen a lot of humming a ha-ing between Violet and Sean. She wants a baby, but needs a sperm donor. He is the owner of sperm he is happy to donate, and is willing to be as involved or not with the baby as Violet would like him to be. They are great friends.

So slightly dull that it took them so long to agree to the plan. Now tonight I'm expecting more tiresome business while they have a go at doing things the natural way, before giving up and going the turkey baster route.

All of this being slightly tricky to explain to my 9 year old daughter, BTW.

In other news, if we can call it that, we left Eileen and Pat wandering up the wooden hills to Passionsville (thank goodness the camera didn't go with them).

And in Britain, the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces came into force today, so cue a lot of nonsense with Steve desperate to smoke (we hardly ever see him smoke, so it was a tad implausible) and Violet and Sean looking for somewhere quiet to continue their baby talk and finding the back yard of t'Rovers full of furtive exiled smokers. Har har.

Leanne got the keys to her new restaurant, but there were some sly looks going on between the outgoing proprietor and the head chef. I don't think Leanne can expect an easy ride from her staff, somehow.