Get Vell Soon

Poor old Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin) has broken 3 ribs playing football, according to ThisIsNottingham.

This proves once again that exercise is very bad for you. I have never once broken a rib in all my years of slumping on the sofa clutching the remote control - although as I get older, arthritic thumbs could well become an issue.

And speaking of age, who knew that our Kev is 42? He's wearing very well, I must say, apart from the ribcage of course. Maybe he could go to Gdansk and get some plastic Polish ribs, like Blanche did with her hip.

Anyway, I'd like to send Michael a virtual bunch of grapes and wish him a speedy recovery.

Who's been a naughty boy?

The Coronation Street producershave had their share of disciplinary issues recently, what with Les Battersby and "wanker-gate". And now Steven Arnold, the actor who breathes life into the helium-voiced charcutier Ashley Sibelius Peacock, has been AWOL and disrupted filming, according to What's On TV.

A spokesperson said, "He has never done it before and I am sure he won't do it again."

I wonder what he was doing during his lost day? Answers on a postcard, please.

CATCH-UP - Canapes, anyone?

Liz came back and was met at the coach station by Derek the dray man, who whisked her back to his high-rise love nest for a spot of afternoon delight. Scenes which some viewers may find disturbing. Particularly Derek's man-boobs.

More disturbing still, Mrs Derek arrived at the door and demanded to be let in, so Liz was ushered out onto the balcony in her red underwear. In fact she had to stand out there all the way through Tonight With Sir Trevor McDonald (or whatever was on ITV between tonight's two episodes), accompanied by wolf-whistles from cheery Mancunian builders below.

Anyway, Liz got back to t'Rovers, to a warm welcome from the love-struck Vernon (a man with a face like an unmade bed), who'd spent a fortune on chrysanths from Dev's in her honour.

Her suitcase was in Derek's boot, though, which took a bit of explaining, and Liz spent most of the second episode moping around in the back yard of t'pub waiting for Derek to text her.

He turned up at the pub later on, and they met outside in that archway under t'viaduct. Liz said it was all over, she couldn't cope with this level of excitement at her time of life - but they ended up snogging anyway.

In other news, Carla appointed Rosie Webster as her PA, much to Sally's annoyance. Liam wasn't pleased either, as Carla continues to show him who's boss.

Tyrone and Molly are getting really fed up with being at Jack and Vera's beck and call.

Leanne's new restaurant opened, with Leanne buying in far too much free food for her invited guests (apparently no-one outside Coronation Street was invited to attend). The head chef and head waiter are not very impressed with her managerial style, which consists of flouncing around ignoring anything they say because what can a complete catering rookie learn from two people who have been doing their jobs for years? (Carla, take note).

CATCH-UP - The Power Game

Power struggles were the predominant feature of the latest episode of Corrie.

1. Liam v Carla. Liam came back (oh joy), resplendent in fabulous new haircut (short), and he'd had a shave. And he discovered that t'factory was now in the hands of Carla de Ville, as her employees have dubbed her. And Ms de Ville is now majority shareholder and thus is calling the shots. The workers prefer Liam's more laid-back style, but at the moment Carla has the upper hand. It's like JR and Sue Ellen all over again, except of course they were married to each other.

2. Steve v Vernon. On Vernon's side is the power of inertia, a mighty force which can glue someone to a bar stool immovably, even when there's bottling-up to be done. Problem is that Steve is taking the nightmare-before-Christmas that is Amy on some form of holiday, and Liz hasn't yet returned from her self-imposed exile in Derbyshire, so Vernon is in charge of t'Rovers. Oh dear.

3. Eileen v Her Conscience. Eileen knows Pat is married, and she knows it's not entirely ethical to be still sleeping with him, but she's shelved her moral fibre in favour of some Irish fun.
4. Leanne v The Catering Industry. So far only a broken boiler (and how useful that her mother's boyfriend is a plumber) has given Leanne a problem in t'restaurant, but her problems must be far from over.

5. The Duckworths v Tyrone & Molly. Jack's done his back in, Vera still has a bad leg. And poor Tyrone and Molly would love to move out and live somewhere where they don't have to mediate between warring pensioners over who gets the brown sauce first, but they are too kind-hearted and don't want to leave J & V in the lurch.

6. Wong's Chippy v Jerry's Kebab Shop. This is a straightforward issue of competition in fast food retail, complicated by the fact that Yana and Cilla are involved.

Fuming

I mentioned the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces the other day, and Corrie has been featuring it in various scenes (including an officious passer-by telling Steve and Lloyd off yesterday for smoking in their own cab - which, as a workplace, is covered by the ban).

The No Smoking signs have also been going up at Granada Studios, much to the annoyance of wheezing cast members Steven Arnold (Ashley Peacock), Bill Tarmey (Jack Duckworth), Anne Kirkbride (Deirdre Barlow), Bev Callard (Liz McDonald) and Simon Gregson (Steve McDonald), who are now not allowed to smoke in their dressing rooms.

Bless them. My advice is to take up knitting - it's better for your health, keeps your hands busy and at the end of it you could have a nice pair of socks or a cardie to keep you warm.

CATCH-UP - Fred-bare

In scenes reminiscent of those episodes of Friends in which Monica made Chandler have sex practically constantly in an effort to get pregnant, in the latest Corrie episode we have Violet ordering Sean into the bathroom with a plastic cup and a picture of Freddie Ljungberg at any given opportunity. The poor man was fair worn out, and I recommend zinc supplements.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Steve staked out Pat's house to check if there was indeed a Mrs Pat, and indeed there does seem to be one such female. They tossed a coin for who gets to tell Eileen, and Steve lost. He now has to tell her during the next episode (oh...the...suspense...zzzz...).

CATCH-UP - The deed is done, finally

All this business with Violet and Sean is getting very tiresome. In fact, Corrie is in a bit of a slump at the moment, plot-wise. It's possibly because the storyline about baby Freddie being kidnapped was supposed to run for a long time but was pulled because of the Madeleine McCann disappearance, and this has left a bit of a hole which the poor writers have been struggling to fill.

Anyhoo, speaking of writers, Debbie Oates did a lovely job yesterday skirting around the delicate issue of how to convey that a gay man and his female best friend had a go at making a baby "the natural way," gave up in some embarrassment and achieved the desired result each in separate rooms - all before the watershed. So we left Sean and Violet wondering if Violet might be pregnant.

Carla took up the reins at Underworld after overhearing Becky and Hayley talking about how much stress Hayley was under. Her first job was to tell Sally to get lost when Sally suggested herself for the role of Carla's PA.

Roy and Hayley had a dinner party for Fiz and John, to which Cilla invited herself.

And in a shock that will come as no surprise (or was it a surprise that will come as no shock?), Jamie recognised Eileen's new boyfriend, Pat. "It's comedian Sean Hughes off the telly!" chortled Jamie.

No, he didn't, I'm being silly. What Jamie did say, to Steve and Lloyd, was that he was sure he'd had Pat in the back of his cab on previous occasions. Pat and Mrs Pat. Yes, Pat is married, and Eileen's bad luck with love continues (yawn). But fear ye not, viewer, for Jerry (Sinbad off Brookie) is gazing at Eileen like a lovesick, pudgy schoolboy. He will be there to pick up the pieces once Sean-Hughes-off-the-telly's guest contract has expired.

Off-screen, exciting news for Antony Cotton (Sean), who has been given his own chat show.

CATCH-UP - Baste of time

The past couple of episodes have seen a lot of humming a ha-ing between Violet and Sean. She wants a baby, but needs a sperm donor. He is the owner of sperm he is happy to donate, and is willing to be as involved or not with the baby as Violet would like him to be. They are great friends.

So slightly dull that it took them so long to agree to the plan. Now tonight I'm expecting more tiresome business while they have a go at doing things the natural way, before giving up and going the turkey baster route.

All of this being slightly tricky to explain to my 9 year old daughter, BTW.

In other news, if we can call it that, we left Eileen and Pat wandering up the wooden hills to Passionsville (thank goodness the camera didn't go with them).

And in Britain, the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces came into force today, so cue a lot of nonsense with Steve desperate to smoke (we hardly ever see him smoke, so it was a tad implausible) and Violet and Sean looking for somewhere quiet to continue their baby talk and finding the back yard of t'Rovers full of furtive exiled smokers. Har har.

Leanne got the keys to her new restaurant, but there were some sly looks going on between the outgoing proprietor and the head chef. I don't think Leanne can expect an easy ride from her staff, somehow.

CATCH-UP - Janice's knight in shining armour

I told you that Roger was a good bloke. Janice asked him for the £10,000 to give to Leanne, so she could buy the restaurant without having to sell herself to afford it. Roger was a bit shocked to hear about Leanne's former career, but after a bit of a think he told Janice he would lend her the money, and if she wanted to give it to Leanne that was up to her. Bless him.

A while back, I mentioned the turkey baster which I felt Violet would soon be employing in a non-traditional manner. This prediction moved a little closer to fruition last night when Violet went to her GP to discuss sperm donation. Since hearing this news, Sean has been wandering around with a thoughtful, concerned expression on his face.

Carla discovered that Paul left everything to her - t'factory, t'swish penthouse, t'lot.

And David Platt wound everybody up in t'salon, but employed serious amounts of charm for old ladies who give big tips. He may be the Antichrist, but he's no fool.

Saving the world, one bottle at a time

Corrie's Beverley Callard has become the face of recycling in the north of England. Life mirrors fiction for Bev, who is a landlady in real life as well as in the guise of her alter ego, Liz Macdonald. She says in that exciting journal Materials Recycling Week (what do you mean, you haven't got your subscription yet?), "My family are all keen recyclers and I’m determined that our business will also reflect these values. I’ll be working with the brewery behind my new pub to make sure we recycle all of our glass."

It's nice to see one of the country's most beloved actresses taking a lead in the battle to save the planet. I was also thrilled that the Kaiser Chiefs have made it their business to remind us to not leave our phone chargers plugged in.

CATCH-UP - New leaves

Leanne still fancies the idea of herself as a restaurant owner. Trouble is, Carla doesn't fancy the idea of being her partner any more (wonder why?). Which leaves Leanne with a shortfall of £20,000. Now, how is a girl supposed to come up with that kind of cash in a week? Leanne has her methods, as we know, and apparently the pay is better in London, so she heads off for the coach station. But when the coach comes, Leanne can't bring herself to get on it (I know how she feels. She should have got the train). Janice breathlessly arrives at t'coach station to find Leanne in tears. Janice says she's very glad Leanne isn't going back to her old ways, and they will find a way of getting the money.

Can it be a coincidence that Janice's plumber/love interest Roger is back on the scene? Now, I must confess to a soft spot for Roger, because Andrew Dunn, who plays him, once smiled at me at Kings Cross Station (see what I mean about trains?) and in real life he is a very attractive man. Maybe not quite in the same league as Liam, but then who is?

Elsewhere, it was celebration time in t'Rovers. It was Steve's birthday, and flowers arrived. He assumed they were from Michelle, bless him, but they were actually from his mum. The only card he got was from Sean. Strange how his own twin brother had apparently forgotten his birthday.

And the older residents of the Street gathered to celebrate the life of Blanche. She's not dead - she just fancied having a wake while she was still there to enjoy it. But it rapidly turned into a scene reminiscent of A Christmas Carol, when everybody told Blanche quite what a miserable old bag she was. She instantly decided to turn over a new leaf and went out in the Street dispensing goodwill and bonhomie, giving Chesney 50p to buy ice cream, telling Leanne that "being a sex worker doesn't have the stigma it once had," and generally being very un-Blanche-like. Until she came upon the embodiment of the Youth of Today in the form of Amber. Being ignored in t'shop while Amber sent texts was enough to have Blanche restored to full crabby glory pretty darn quick.

And in the factory, Hayley is failing to maintain any sort of discipline.

And Joanne came back, having been given permission to remain in the country.

CATCH-UP - Frustration

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air, as the song goes.

I did while watching Corrie yesterday. Firstly, at Gail's parenting skills, or lack of. Oh-Day-vid has been sacked by Bill Webster for causing over £300 worth of damage in t'builder's yard. So what is Gail's response? She's not going to let David off, oh no. She's insisting on him working. So it's back to t'salon. FOR PITY'S SAKE, WOMAN! You have spawned the Antichrist and you are sending him to work in a hairdressing salon! That's really showing him who's boss.

My hands also flew up in the air in sheer frustration at how people who are in love have to have obstacles thrown in their way all the time in drama. I know, I know, that's what makes it "drama," but it gets on my nerves. That's why I can't cope with romantic comedy (which is ironic to say the least). Today we had a grief-stricken Michelle telling Steve (who loves her, she loves him, and they are just perfect together) that she needs him but her son doesn't, the son must come first, hence she is taking him to Dublin for the foreseeable. FOR PITY'S SAKE, WOMAN! You deserve some happiness in your life and Steve MacDonald has "I will make Michelle happy" written right through him like a stick of rock.

I know what's going on really. Kym Ryder and Rob James-Collier (you don't think I'd forgotten him already, do you?) have both had some heavy storylines recently and a lot of screen time, so they're both due a holiday. Expect them both to return with a nice tan in a few weeks.

In other news, Claire and Ashley and Our Joshua and Baby Freddie went to stay with Claire's mum for a while, to "clear their heads." Will Casey use their absence to infiltrate Peacock Towers and sew prawns into the curtain linings and other dastardly deeds? We shall have to wait and see.