Oh David - The making of a Tortured Teen

We all know that Very Special Babies are born on Christmas Day. This is particularly true in soaps, because dramatic births are a great ratings-winner for those all-important Bank Holiday episodes.

Thus it was on Christmas morning in 1990 that Gail and Martin Platt first gazed upon the face of Gail's second and Martin's first son, David. As they marvelled at his angelic countenance and little chubby fists, they could hardly have envisaged that one day he would give them merry hell. So what happened in his young life to turn him into the spitting sliver of venom we see today, apparently poised to fake his own suicide?

Well, with my Jeremy Kyle hat on (it's stylish, but snug at the same time) I would have to point out that the poor lad has suffered somewhat from a lack of parental attention. His father had various affairs, including one with a girl not much older than David herself, who accidentally killed her father (are you following this) then killed herself. Martin has now moved to Liverpool with his latest flame, and hardly has anything to do with his offspring. Meanwhile, Gail has been busy marrying a serial killer, who also tried to kill the entire family.

It's no excuse, of course. Look at the life poor Chesney's had, and you don't see him up on roofs threatening to shoot his family members, do you?

Gail was almost right when she determined that Oh-David needed a male role model in his life. Sadly the male ordered to take up this position was poor Jason, who practically embodies the phrase "nice but dim." Jason is doing his best, but his best is too little, too late.

Failing an appearance on Jeremy Kyle ("Dropping out of school, burning exam papers, threatening family members, accusing fast food vendors of sleeping with him AND being boring - we need to hear more. David's on the show, guys"), nothing will turn David's life around now except a visit to Uncle Stephen in Canada. It worked a treat for older brother Nicky.

CATCH-UP - "Jack"... the lad?

Casey and Ashley have agreed to not see each other. Casey is going to "go away," she says.

At this point, if I was Ashley, I'd be hiding the matches and any pointed objects.

Jack and Vera's grandson, whose name is Paul Clayton, has persuaded the bank to lend him the £20k needed to buy a 40% share in Pasta Best. But the tricky wee monkey has got the loan in the name of Jack Duckworth, and their lovely home in Coronation Street is security. Gasp! Leanne gasped, and she objected a bit, but Paul pointed out that she didn't get her money by exactly squeaky clean means, either, and needs must, so she's going along with his corrupt scheme. Come back Tyrone! We need your moral fibre, love of the Duckworths and all round good-guyness. Sadly he's still away in Spain bailing his mother out.

Mel Kebab was looking after the kebab shop on her own after Darryl wandered off, and two young thugs tried to extort kebabs off her for no payment (they could at least have gone for the Jerry Hat Trick, which I believe involves chips). The hero of this particular hour turned out to be none other than Eileen, who gave the scalliwags what-for and sent them packing. She needed a brandy afterwards, mind, but her heroic deed only cemented in Jerry's mind what a Good Egg she is. Love is in the air, and I may get triple use out of my wedding hat (if Sarah-love and Jason, and Michelle and Steve, make it to t'altar as well).

CATCH-UP - The bitter and the sweet

I feel sorry for Oh-David.

No, honestly, I really do. He's a bright lad - he got an A* in the only GCSE he could be bothered to sit - but he hasn't had an easy life.

I know this doesn't excuse his evil streak. The Lovely Craig Harris had a hard life, too, and he grew up to be a truly luminous example of niceness. Ditto Fiz, and Chesney.

Maybe it's a testament to the good acting work of Jack P Shepherd, that even while David is being the Spawn of Satan, I can still feel some sympathy with him. Today he overheard his nearest and dearest discussing how he was a wrong 'un who'd never amount to anything. No wonder he's turning to the dark side.

Meanwhile, Jack and Vera celebrated 50 years of married bliss. It was rather moving - everyone assembled in t'Rovers, even Deirdre, who's been taken out of the Corrie Cupboard (where they keep cast members who aren't currently being used - it incorporates a tanning booth, just in case you were wondering why they usually come back browner) specially for the occasion, though Ken is still in there. Jack told how he and Vera had met, at the funfair where he was one of those greasy, be-quiffed lads who spun you too fast on the waltzer. Vera, he said, was the prettiest girl at the fair. Not a dry eye in the house. It made Emily and Rita go all nostalgic for the men they'd loved and lost (Ernest and Len, not Alan Bradley).

CATCH-UP - The boy's not right in t'head

Just how gorgeous was Liam looking last night? He had a business meeting with some bloke who never turned up, at Leanne's restaurant (from now on I'm going to call it Pasta Best), and he was wearing a striped shirt and dark jacket and looked fantastic. Leanne couldn't resist him. But he could resist her, I'm happy to report. In fact a romance with Queen of Hair, Maria Sutherland, is on t'cards for TV's most handsome man. I hope she treats him right.

Vera's grandson wants to invest in Pasta Best. Getting the money together involves procuring a driving license in Jack's name. What is he up to??

But the real drama of the evening centred on Oh-David. He was supposed to be going to the cinema with Mel Kebab, but Sarah-love told Mel Kebab that David was a strange stalker type who would quickly become obsessed with her, so Mel stood David up. Of course this made Oh-David become quickly obsessed with Mel Kebab, and he told Amber that he's slept with her but she was so boring he was forced to dump her. Amber relayed this to Sarah-love, who made sure Mel knew, then Jerry Kebab confronted Gail about it. Gail made David apologise and grovel in front of the entire Kebab family, plus Kelly, Cilla and Chesney, Sarah-love and Audrey. Thoroughly humiliated, David later climbed on to a roof and outlined to Jason his sincere wish to shoot his sister, mother and grandmother. Disturbed!

Cilla is now working in a care home and has her sights set on a rich paraplegic man. She's treating him to glimpses of stocking tops and cleavage, in a subtle effort to impress.

CATCH-UP - Just in Casey...

If I was Audrey, I'd be sleeping with a fire extinguisher next to my bed. This is not to keep Bill Webster at bay, but because Audrey has incurred the wrath of "Head" Casey, and we know she can be a bit of a twisted firestarter when she's upset. Audrey tried to warn her off Ashley, you see. Ashley is a bit nervous now, and wouldn't let Casey through the door. Anyway, he was just about to put Our Joshua in t'bath.

Liam doesn't seem to like Wosie calling him "Liam." I think he thinks it's disrespectful to Sally, because he's a good Irish boy at heart.

Paul - the hardest working chef in the north west - mentioned to Leanne that a few more staff at t'restaurant wouldn't come amiss, being as he's doing all the ordering, preparing, cooking and serving of the food. She admitted that there's a cash-flow issue. I wonder how long before she's ringing Dev's bell again? In a manner of speaking.

Bill Webster came up with a cunning plan to create more living space at Platt Towers. Knock through to t'garage, and make a bedroom there for Oh-David. Problem is Oh-David is refusing to be delighted with this scheme. He knows that if he stays put, Jason and Sarah-love will have to continue sharing a room with Sarah's invisible child, Bethany (who hasn't materialised for about 2 months so I don't know why they're bothered really). And David loves to make Sarah's life even more miserable.

CATCH-UP - Lovely Rita

Michelle's forgiven Steve, but reminded him that She Demands Total Honesty in a relationship. Good luck with that, then.

Michelle's stunning black hair has been looking a tad too sculptural since she came back from Ireland. It just looks too high-maintenance to be the hair of a recently bereaved/single mother/part-time barmaid. One might almost suspect her of being an actress...

Casey has been spotted by various people at various times in various dressing gowns, wandering around Peacock Towers. Ashley had a go at Kevin for being concerned, thus proving what a guilty conscience he has. "We 'aven't done anything wrong," he reassured Casey. I'll leave him to take that one up at the Pearly Gates when the time comes.

Rita is back. "Rita! You're back!" exclaimed everybody. This alerted me to the fact that Rita had been away, a fact I'd missed. Okay, so she wasn't much in evidence, but I assumed she was in t'back of t'shop, or at t'cash and carry. She's probably been to Cartmel to visit Mavis. Has her return thrown a spanner in the works of Norris's courtship of Doreen, or is Rita his true love? Or Emily? Or Blanche? Etc etc etc.

Sally and Kevin discovered that Rosie (or "Wosie" as Sally pronounces it) is quitting school in order to be a full-time, permanent knicker factory administrator. They weren't pleased - all those school fees down the drain! But I can see the attraction in Underworld. His name is Liam Connor.

And finally, you'll be relieved to hear that Dev has recovered from his salad cream overdose.

CATCH-UP - Steve, just tell the truth

It's all unfurled exactly as predicted - Michelle forgave Steve for kissing a lady on holiday because he said he couldn't go any further because his love for Michelle made it impossible. Then of course she found out that it was Glen and not Glenda Steve was kissing, and the reason Steve hadn't gone any further was that he is no fan of musical theatre, and she's cross with him again. Snore.

Meanwhile, Dev explained that he loved salad cream. He'd had a flirtation with tomato pickle, but it just didn't work for him, and nor did mayonnaise. It had to be salad cream. He couldn't get enough of salad cream, he said, smothering his sandwich in that delicious condiment. But he overdid it, spluttered a bit, and subsequently swore off salad cream temporarily.

It was a bit like that, last night's double episode - full of these little moments that were amusing and slightly surreal, and made you feel like you'd perhaps nodded off and missed something.

I suppose I should mention that Casey spent the night with Ashley (we assume, as she was at Peacock Towers in the morning, wearing Clurr's dressing gown). So, girls, we now know that the way to a man's heart is to ply him with jacket spuds, tuna and salad.

Audrey is concerned about the way Casey is worming her way into Ashley's life and told him so, but he is in Guilty Denial.

Poor Sally is having a hard time at t'factory, as her own daughter has now been trained to supervise her stitching technique and it has been found wanting. Liam (bless) is not that happy at the way Carla uses Rosie to humiliate Sally. But Sally got the best line of the evening, when Janice was ribbing her about her daughter, and Sally commented that she was currently studying a play of great relevance to Janice's daughter: 'Tis Pity She's a Whore.

CATCH-UP - Plodding on

I haven't posted an episode catch-up for a few days. This is partly because I've had family members staying with me so I haven't had that much time, but also partly because I'm so bored with the "dude looks like a lady" post-Malta nonsense that my eyeballs start to bleed when I think of it.

Which is not to say that it's been all bad on t'Street recently. Last night's episode was written by Damon Rochefort, one of the trinity of writing geniuses, so it had its fair share of laughs and good lines.

Dev intimated that he might invest in the restaurant, and that his reward would be "fun." Leanne took this to mean that he was banking on her moral fibres still being loose, but as we know she's tightened them up recently, so she showed him the door.

Tyrone has been called away to Spain to sort out his mother, who has been arrested for being part of a shoplifting ring. Now, if the Corrie crew were desperate for some away days, that would have been a much more fun storyline than the Maltese transsexual scenario, as long as they could have persuaded Margi Clarke to reprise her brilliant role as Tyrone's mum. I think Tyrone is a very under-used character.

Casey continues to move in on Ashley - more or less literally, since she's persuaded Claire that yet another spell at her mother's is just the thing she needs. Claire's mother ought surely by now to be gripping her offspring by the shoulders and giving her the "a marriage won't work unless you put some effort in" speech. Meanwhile, Casey is wooing Ashley via the medium of jacket spuds and tuna.

Liam was spotted the other day, but it was more of a brief glimpse than anything to report about. Looking lovely, though.

And there's been some nonsense about Norris forming a little club of Angela's ex-husbands. One of them is Keith Barron, stalwart of many a 70s drama. The point of this being that Norris has confessed to them that there is a woman in his life with whom he would like to be closer. Is it Rita? Emily? Rita's friend whose name I've forgotten? Blanche Hunt? Or, God forbid, Leanne?

Blogger won't let me upload any photos today, so apologies for the lack of visual interest.

CATCH-UP - Michelle's back. But Liam hasn't been seen for weeks...

Michelle and Steve are back together again. Ahhhhhhh....

She's told him she wants a commitment - no secrets, ever. Not ever, mind. I'm wondering whether the tedious Maltese ladyboy incident will come back to haunt Steve but can't imagine how. It's definitely not going to be plain-sailing for these two, not with Michelle issuing ultimatums like that. It's the soap equivalent of an unexploded bomb.

But in the meantime, my wedding hat is back out of mothballs and looking ravishing. I just have to ponder matching shoes now.

Wedding preparations are also preoccupying Sarah-love and Our Jason. Yawn.

The Tempest is preoccupying Sally, and Kevin has had to cater for the family using salad ingredients, such is the level of his wife's neglect.

Leanne was searching for a mug - I mean, investor. Who do we know on the Street who's got quite a few quid and is susceptible to a bit of female flattery? Step forward Dev Alahan.

The police were hovering around asking questions about t'fire. Claire thinks they think she did it. Claire's wondering if Ashley did it. I'm thinking of going round and finishing the job - but only if I can be interrogated afterwards by that lovely Scouse copper who investigated Tracey-love's bludgeoning of Charlie Stubbs.

CATCH-UP - My Malta hell

Today's episode, sponsored by the Malta tourist board (not really, still sponsored by Cadbury), featured Eileen and Steve wandering around scenic backdrops pondering their lack of luck in love. These Malta episodes have been totally pointless and dull, and I won't be booking a holiday to Malta any time soon.

Back in the Street, Roger is moving in wi' Janice because of his financial situation. Janice isn't that thrilled, but it's a case of needs must.

Needs must for Sarah too, as she plies the vicar with fig rolls in an attempt to convince him that his scenic church is just the spot for the Platt/Grimshaw nuptials.

And Norris received news that his ex-wife Angela is now his late ex-wife Angela. She expired on the golf course, apparently, and was below par at the time. "They usually are," commented Norris.

Yawn. Steve and Eileen are abroad. What is there lots of, abroad? Ladies who are really men, that's what. Only because it's abroad, they look more like ladies than men, unlike Hayley, who really is a lady playing a lady who used to be a man, but with a very bad wig on.

Are you following this? Well, basically Steve met a gorgeous brunette at the hotel bar, and they bonded over a shared rendition of Two Out of Three Ain'tBad at the karaoke. Steve should really have known something was up when she sang it perfectly in the same register as Meatloaf himself, but he had his beer goggles firmly in place by then. It could have all ended in a visit to the Jeremy Kyle Show, but this is Corrie, so it didn't.

And back in Weatherfield, Sarah-love is steaming ahead with her plans for The Wedding of the Century II.

CATCH-UP - Confessions from a small island

I'm a creature of habit. I like things to be cosy, familiar. That's probably why I like Coronation Street so much.

What I don't like is "away days" - episodes of set-based dramas which suddenly go on location to sunny countries for no better reason than that the crew fancy a few days in the sun.

Last night's Corrie featured Eileen and Steve in Malta, wandering around a series of scenic backdrops. I've never been to Malta, but it looked truly depressing - horses and carriages, cacti and blazing sun. Nightmare. Malta in this episode also featured Robin Askwith, who used to be in those Confessions soft-porn-comedy films in the 70s (he lives in Malta, apparently). He hasn't aged well, and the bags under his eyes were bigger than Eileen's suitcase.

Anyway, we left Eileen and Steve sharing a bed. He was out cold after a cold beer too many, and she was grumpy. Not terribly worth the carbon emissions generated by getting them out there in the first place, but there you go.

At least it diverted attention from Casey's irritating interventions in the life of the Peacocks.

But the episode wasn't all bad. We had Tyrone (surely the love child of Ray Winstone) being horrible to the Duckworth grandson, so that was worth the price of admission.