I'm moving!

I'm not the only one, you know. There are millions of us. Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday we gather in darkened rooms, curtains drawn, Tunnocks Tea Cakes and a nice pot of tea at our side, ready to enjoy The World's Favourite Continuing Drama.

In some ways, it's a solitary pleasure, as has been this blog. But in other ways Corrie is an experience which is made for sharing. Which is why from now on I'm going to be sharing my Weatherfield fetish over at Corrieblog. Click over there and bookmark it immediately, or I'll set Tracy Barlow on you when she gets out!

CATCH-UP - And what a lot to catch up

I've been away for a few days ("did anyone notice?" I sniff in my most annoyingly self-pitying manner), and oh-my-lands what a lot has been going on in Corrie.

First off we had Emily thinking Norris was proposing to her, when actually he was just doing a dry run for proposing to Rita, which he subsequently did. Of course she turned him down,and Norris is heartbroken.

Then we had Hayley discovering that her former incarnation, Harold (who looked like a young Paul McCartney as viewed in a Hall of Mirrors-type mirror, in the photos we saw of him) had fathered a son. A situation made more complicated by the fact that Hayley told Roy that Harold had been a pure and unsullied boy as far as shenanigans were concerned. So now her new best friend Becky (I'm loving Becky at the moment - she's much more watchable since the smoking ban came in and she's not constantly sucking the life out of a Silk Cut) has helped Hayley to find a private detective to track down the fruit of her unmodified loins. Roy is still oblivious.

Oh-David has been getting steadily more deranged, but the Corrie writers are cleverly painting him as being as much sinned against as sinning. He tried to apologise to Mel Kebab for besmirching her good name, but she refused to listen. His family members spend most of their free time muttering about how useless he is, just within his earshot. The result has been that he's been taking out his violent tendencies on computer games ("Die! Die!"). I do hope Corrie isn't going to go down the computer-games-are-the-root-of-all-evil route, because I happen to love them and think they're a Jolly Good Thing. Oh-David also removed the fuse from the freezer so all Gail's Viennettas defrosted. Then he heroically offered to fix it for Gail because "electricity and water are a lethal combination."

As well as Eileen and Jerry, a new cab/kebab love axis opened up when Lloyd went to the rescue of Jodie Kebab, who needed to pick up younger sister Kayleigh Kebab who had got drunk and disorderly on her way home from school. It's still early days on that one, but I detected a spark.

But the real dramatic highpoint, I suppose, has been the climax of the Casey story.

Having told Casey that Clurr was his One True Love, Ashley thought he'd seen the last of her. When the never-seen Clurr's Mother needed rushing to the dentists, Ashley left Baby Freddie in the blue-plastic-gloved hands of Kirk in t'butcher's shop. As if you would, really. Though, to his credit, Kirk seemed reasonably confident that he'd be able to avoid mixing up the meat and the baby. But he didn't cope very well, so when Casey turned up, offering to take Baby Freddie to t'park, Kirk was only too relieved to hand him over.

When Ashley got back and discovered BF was gone, he rang Casey, who was at home. And Casey, you see, lives in a Very High Building. Of course she does. All the better for threatening to jump off and take Baby Freddie with her. Her flat was full of Photoshopped pictures of her and Ashley and BF looking like a badly-posed happy family.

Then Clurr turned up, with Audrey, who had called the police. Ashley was fairly useless, but Clurr played a blinder - like Cracker, she was. She told Casey that Ashley and Freddie were no substitute for her own baby, who had died. She described what that had been like - Casey had told her all about it. So Casey cracked, Ashley got the baby, then Casey tried to jump off the balcony but the police arrived. Phew. I was feeling quite sorry for Casey by the end of all this, and not just because she's been forced to wear that ugly short teal-blue jacket for weeks on end. The story of her losing her baby was properly upsetting.

So it's happily ever after at Peacock Towers? Well, not really. During all the above hoo-hah, Casey had made Ashley admit that he had slept with her. So Claire is not best pleased. To say the least.

Oh David - The making of a Tortured Teen

We all know that Very Special Babies are born on Christmas Day. This is particularly true in soaps, because dramatic births are a great ratings-winner for those all-important Bank Holiday episodes.

Thus it was on Christmas morning in 1990 that Gail and Martin Platt first gazed upon the face of Gail's second and Martin's first son, David. As they marvelled at his angelic countenance and little chubby fists, they could hardly have envisaged that one day he would give them merry hell. So what happened in his young life to turn him into the spitting sliver of venom we see today, apparently poised to fake his own suicide?

Well, with my Jeremy Kyle hat on (it's stylish, but snug at the same time) I would have to point out that the poor lad has suffered somewhat from a lack of parental attention. His father had various affairs, including one with a girl not much older than David herself, who accidentally killed her father (are you following this) then killed herself. Martin has now moved to Liverpool with his latest flame, and hardly has anything to do with his offspring. Meanwhile, Gail has been busy marrying a serial killer, who also tried to kill the entire family.

It's no excuse, of course. Look at the life poor Chesney's had, and you don't see him up on roofs threatening to shoot his family members, do you?

Gail was almost right when she determined that Oh-David needed a male role model in his life. Sadly the male ordered to take up this position was poor Jason, who practically embodies the phrase "nice but dim." Jason is doing his best, but his best is too little, too late.

Failing an appearance on Jeremy Kyle ("Dropping out of school, burning exam papers, threatening family members, accusing fast food vendors of sleeping with him AND being boring - we need to hear more. David's on the show, guys"), nothing will turn David's life around now except a visit to Uncle Stephen in Canada. It worked a treat for older brother Nicky.

CATCH-UP - "Jack"... the lad?

Casey and Ashley have agreed to not see each other. Casey is going to "go away," she says.

At this point, if I was Ashley, I'd be hiding the matches and any pointed objects.

Jack and Vera's grandson, whose name is Paul Clayton, has persuaded the bank to lend him the £20k needed to buy a 40% share in Pasta Best. But the tricky wee monkey has got the loan in the name of Jack Duckworth, and their lovely home in Coronation Street is security. Gasp! Leanne gasped, and she objected a bit, but Paul pointed out that she didn't get her money by exactly squeaky clean means, either, and needs must, so she's going along with his corrupt scheme. Come back Tyrone! We need your moral fibre, love of the Duckworths and all round good-guyness. Sadly he's still away in Spain bailing his mother out.

Mel Kebab was looking after the kebab shop on her own after Darryl wandered off, and two young thugs tried to extort kebabs off her for no payment (they could at least have gone for the Jerry Hat Trick, which I believe involves chips). The hero of this particular hour turned out to be none other than Eileen, who gave the scalliwags what-for and sent them packing. She needed a brandy afterwards, mind, but her heroic deed only cemented in Jerry's mind what a Good Egg she is. Love is in the air, and I may get triple use out of my wedding hat (if Sarah-love and Jason, and Michelle and Steve, make it to t'altar as well).

CATCH-UP - The bitter and the sweet

I feel sorry for Oh-David.

No, honestly, I really do. He's a bright lad - he got an A* in the only GCSE he could be bothered to sit - but he hasn't had an easy life.

I know this doesn't excuse his evil streak. The Lovely Craig Harris had a hard life, too, and he grew up to be a truly luminous example of niceness. Ditto Fiz, and Chesney.

Maybe it's a testament to the good acting work of Jack P Shepherd, that even while David is being the Spawn of Satan, I can still feel some sympathy with him. Today he overheard his nearest and dearest discussing how he was a wrong 'un who'd never amount to anything. No wonder he's turning to the dark side.

Meanwhile, Jack and Vera celebrated 50 years of married bliss. It was rather moving - everyone assembled in t'Rovers, even Deirdre, who's been taken out of the Corrie Cupboard (where they keep cast members who aren't currently being used - it incorporates a tanning booth, just in case you were wondering why they usually come back browner) specially for the occasion, though Ken is still in there. Jack told how he and Vera had met, at the funfair where he was one of those greasy, be-quiffed lads who spun you too fast on the waltzer. Vera, he said, was the prettiest girl at the fair. Not a dry eye in the house. It made Emily and Rita go all nostalgic for the men they'd loved and lost (Ernest and Len, not Alan Bradley).

CATCH-UP - The boy's not right in t'head

Just how gorgeous was Liam looking last night? He had a business meeting with some bloke who never turned up, at Leanne's restaurant (from now on I'm going to call it Pasta Best), and he was wearing a striped shirt and dark jacket and looked fantastic. Leanne couldn't resist him. But he could resist her, I'm happy to report. In fact a romance with Queen of Hair, Maria Sutherland, is on t'cards for TV's most handsome man. I hope she treats him right.

Vera's grandson wants to invest in Pasta Best. Getting the money together involves procuring a driving license in Jack's name. What is he up to??

But the real drama of the evening centred on Oh-David. He was supposed to be going to the cinema with Mel Kebab, but Sarah-love told Mel Kebab that David was a strange stalker type who would quickly become obsessed with her, so Mel stood David up. Of course this made Oh-David become quickly obsessed with Mel Kebab, and he told Amber that he's slept with her but she was so boring he was forced to dump her. Amber relayed this to Sarah-love, who made sure Mel knew, then Jerry Kebab confronted Gail about it. Gail made David apologise and grovel in front of the entire Kebab family, plus Kelly, Cilla and Chesney, Sarah-love and Audrey. Thoroughly humiliated, David later climbed on to a roof and outlined to Jason his sincere wish to shoot his sister, mother and grandmother. Disturbed!

Cilla is now working in a care home and has her sights set on a rich paraplegic man. She's treating him to glimpses of stocking tops and cleavage, in a subtle effort to impress.

CATCH-UP - Just in Casey...

If I was Audrey, I'd be sleeping with a fire extinguisher next to my bed. This is not to keep Bill Webster at bay, but because Audrey has incurred the wrath of "Head" Casey, and we know she can be a bit of a twisted firestarter when she's upset. Audrey tried to warn her off Ashley, you see. Ashley is a bit nervous now, and wouldn't let Casey through the door. Anyway, he was just about to put Our Joshua in t'bath.

Liam doesn't seem to like Wosie calling him "Liam." I think he thinks it's disrespectful to Sally, because he's a good Irish boy at heart.

Paul - the hardest working chef in the north west - mentioned to Leanne that a few more staff at t'restaurant wouldn't come amiss, being as he's doing all the ordering, preparing, cooking and serving of the food. She admitted that there's a cash-flow issue. I wonder how long before she's ringing Dev's bell again? In a manner of speaking.

Bill Webster came up with a cunning plan to create more living space at Platt Towers. Knock through to t'garage, and make a bedroom there for Oh-David. Problem is Oh-David is refusing to be delighted with this scheme. He knows that if he stays put, Jason and Sarah-love will have to continue sharing a room with Sarah's invisible child, Bethany (who hasn't materialised for about 2 months so I don't know why they're bothered really). And David loves to make Sarah's life even more miserable.

CATCH-UP - Lovely Rita

Michelle's forgiven Steve, but reminded him that She Demands Total Honesty in a relationship. Good luck with that, then.

Michelle's stunning black hair has been looking a tad too sculptural since she came back from Ireland. It just looks too high-maintenance to be the hair of a recently bereaved/single mother/part-time barmaid. One might almost suspect her of being an actress...

Casey has been spotted by various people at various times in various dressing gowns, wandering around Peacock Towers. Ashley had a go at Kevin for being concerned, thus proving what a guilty conscience he has. "We 'aven't done anything wrong," he reassured Casey. I'll leave him to take that one up at the Pearly Gates when the time comes.

Rita is back. "Rita! You're back!" exclaimed everybody. This alerted me to the fact that Rita had been away, a fact I'd missed. Okay, so she wasn't much in evidence, but I assumed she was in t'back of t'shop, or at t'cash and carry. She's probably been to Cartmel to visit Mavis. Has her return thrown a spanner in the works of Norris's courtship of Doreen, or is Rita his true love? Or Emily? Or Blanche? Etc etc etc.

Sally and Kevin discovered that Rosie (or "Wosie" as Sally pronounces it) is quitting school in order to be a full-time, permanent knicker factory administrator. They weren't pleased - all those school fees down the drain! But I can see the attraction in Underworld. His name is Liam Connor.

And finally, you'll be relieved to hear that Dev has recovered from his salad cream overdose.

CATCH-UP - Steve, just tell the truth

It's all unfurled exactly as predicted - Michelle forgave Steve for kissing a lady on holiday because he said he couldn't go any further because his love for Michelle made it impossible. Then of course she found out that it was Glen and not Glenda Steve was kissing, and the reason Steve hadn't gone any further was that he is no fan of musical theatre, and she's cross with him again. Snore.

Meanwhile, Dev explained that he loved salad cream. He'd had a flirtation with tomato pickle, but it just didn't work for him, and nor did mayonnaise. It had to be salad cream. He couldn't get enough of salad cream, he said, smothering his sandwich in that delicious condiment. But he overdid it, spluttered a bit, and subsequently swore off salad cream temporarily.

It was a bit like that, last night's double episode - full of these little moments that were amusing and slightly surreal, and made you feel like you'd perhaps nodded off and missed something.

I suppose I should mention that Casey spent the night with Ashley (we assume, as she was at Peacock Towers in the morning, wearing Clurr's dressing gown). So, girls, we now know that the way to a man's heart is to ply him with jacket spuds, tuna and salad.

Audrey is concerned about the way Casey is worming her way into Ashley's life and told him so, but he is in Guilty Denial.

Poor Sally is having a hard time at t'factory, as her own daughter has now been trained to supervise her stitching technique and it has been found wanting. Liam (bless) is not that happy at the way Carla uses Rosie to humiliate Sally. But Sally got the best line of the evening, when Janice was ribbing her about her daughter, and Sally commented that she was currently studying a play of great relevance to Janice's daughter: 'Tis Pity She's a Whore.

CATCH-UP - Plodding on

I haven't posted an episode catch-up for a few days. This is partly because I've had family members staying with me so I haven't had that much time, but also partly because I'm so bored with the "dude looks like a lady" post-Malta nonsense that my eyeballs start to bleed when I think of it.

Which is not to say that it's been all bad on t'Street recently. Last night's episode was written by Damon Rochefort, one of the trinity of writing geniuses, so it had its fair share of laughs and good lines.

Dev intimated that he might invest in the restaurant, and that his reward would be "fun." Leanne took this to mean that he was banking on her moral fibres still being loose, but as we know she's tightened them up recently, so she showed him the door.

Tyrone has been called away to Spain to sort out his mother, who has been arrested for being part of a shoplifting ring. Now, if the Corrie crew were desperate for some away days, that would have been a much more fun storyline than the Maltese transsexual scenario, as long as they could have persuaded Margi Clarke to reprise her brilliant role as Tyrone's mum. I think Tyrone is a very under-used character.

Casey continues to move in on Ashley - more or less literally, since she's persuaded Claire that yet another spell at her mother's is just the thing she needs. Claire's mother ought surely by now to be gripping her offspring by the shoulders and giving her the "a marriage won't work unless you put some effort in" speech. Meanwhile, Casey is wooing Ashley via the medium of jacket spuds and tuna.

Liam was spotted the other day, but it was more of a brief glimpse than anything to report about. Looking lovely, though.

And there's been some nonsense about Norris forming a little club of Angela's ex-husbands. One of them is Keith Barron, stalwart of many a 70s drama. The point of this being that Norris has confessed to them that there is a woman in his life with whom he would like to be closer. Is it Rita? Emily? Rita's friend whose name I've forgotten? Blanche Hunt? Or, God forbid, Leanne?

Blogger won't let me upload any photos today, so apologies for the lack of visual interest.

CATCH-UP - Michelle's back. But Liam hasn't been seen for weeks...

Michelle and Steve are back together again. Ahhhhhhh....

She's told him she wants a commitment - no secrets, ever. Not ever, mind. I'm wondering whether the tedious Maltese ladyboy incident will come back to haunt Steve but can't imagine how. It's definitely not going to be plain-sailing for these two, not with Michelle issuing ultimatums like that. It's the soap equivalent of an unexploded bomb.

But in the meantime, my wedding hat is back out of mothballs and looking ravishing. I just have to ponder matching shoes now.

Wedding preparations are also preoccupying Sarah-love and Our Jason. Yawn.

The Tempest is preoccupying Sally, and Kevin has had to cater for the family using salad ingredients, such is the level of his wife's neglect.

Leanne was searching for a mug - I mean, investor. Who do we know on the Street who's got quite a few quid and is susceptible to a bit of female flattery? Step forward Dev Alahan.

The police were hovering around asking questions about t'fire. Claire thinks they think she did it. Claire's wondering if Ashley did it. I'm thinking of going round and finishing the job - but only if I can be interrogated afterwards by that lovely Scouse copper who investigated Tracey-love's bludgeoning of Charlie Stubbs.

CATCH-UP - My Malta hell

Today's episode, sponsored by the Malta tourist board (not really, still sponsored by Cadbury), featured Eileen and Steve wandering around scenic backdrops pondering their lack of luck in love. These Malta episodes have been totally pointless and dull, and I won't be booking a holiday to Malta any time soon.

Back in the Street, Roger is moving in wi' Janice because of his financial situation. Janice isn't that thrilled, but it's a case of needs must.

Needs must for Sarah too, as she plies the vicar with fig rolls in an attempt to convince him that his scenic church is just the spot for the Platt/Grimshaw nuptials.

And Norris received news that his ex-wife Angela is now his late ex-wife Angela. She expired on the golf course, apparently, and was below par at the time. "They usually are," commented Norris.

Yawn. Steve and Eileen are abroad. What is there lots of, abroad? Ladies who are really men, that's what. Only because it's abroad, they look more like ladies than men, unlike Hayley, who really is a lady playing a lady who used to be a man, but with a very bad wig on.

Are you following this? Well, basically Steve met a gorgeous brunette at the hotel bar, and they bonded over a shared rendition of Two Out of Three Ain'tBad at the karaoke. Steve should really have known something was up when she sang it perfectly in the same register as Meatloaf himself, but he had his beer goggles firmly in place by then. It could have all ended in a visit to the Jeremy Kyle Show, but this is Corrie, so it didn't.

And back in Weatherfield, Sarah-love is steaming ahead with her plans for The Wedding of the Century II.

CATCH-UP - Confessions from a small island

I'm a creature of habit. I like things to be cosy, familiar. That's probably why I like Coronation Street so much.

What I don't like is "away days" - episodes of set-based dramas which suddenly go on location to sunny countries for no better reason than that the crew fancy a few days in the sun.

Last night's Corrie featured Eileen and Steve in Malta, wandering around a series of scenic backdrops. I've never been to Malta, but it looked truly depressing - horses and carriages, cacti and blazing sun. Nightmare. Malta in this episode also featured Robin Askwith, who used to be in those Confessions soft-porn-comedy films in the 70s (he lives in Malta, apparently). He hasn't aged well, and the bags under his eyes were bigger than Eileen's suitcase.

Anyway, we left Eileen and Steve sharing a bed. He was out cold after a cold beer too many, and she was grumpy. Not terribly worth the carbon emissions generated by getting them out there in the first place, but there you go.

At least it diverted attention from Casey's irritating interventions in the life of the Peacocks.

But the episode wasn't all bad. We had Tyrone (surely the love child of Ray Winstone) being horrible to the Duckworth grandson, so that was worth the price of admission.

CATCH-UP - Men!

Casey and Ashley in the conservatory, K.I.S.S.I.N.G And as semi-nude as you're allowed to be on Corrie before the watershed. Honestly, in the conservatory of all places - overlooking the garden with the knee-high fence and the neighbours who are forever hanging washing out or having barbecues.

And where was Claire? At an unspecific "support group," at Casey's suggestion. She almost caught them at it, but not quite.

As if that wasn't enough excitement, Pat left his mobile in t'cab office, and Eileen, Steve and Lloyd were eventually unable to resist finding out who was texting him every five minutes. It was other women. Not his wife, who turns out to be fictional, but other women generally. "I'm a salesman. I get lonely," he whinged when confronted by Eileen. So he's dumped (and received a firm smack in the mouth as well). Eileen can cope with being the other woman, she just can't cope with being one of a string of women. She does have her pride, you know.

So she's gone off on holiday to Malta with Steve, who can't cope with not being contacted by Michelle. So much for giving Our Amy a stable environment.

And Sally is being helped in her literary ambitions by Fiz's boyfriend/Sophie's teacher John (time was when anyone who needed intellectual input would knock on Ken Barlow's door.... ). I do hope there isn't going to be any funny business. Sally does have a bit of a track record of getting too friendly with men who aren't Kevin.

CATCH-UP - Marvellous

All of Corrie's writers are good, but two or three of them (Jonathan Harvey, Daran Little and Damon Rochefort) are, IMO, proper geniuses.

It makes such a difference when the episode is written by one of them. Last night's was by Jonathan Harvey, and it was a cracker. Not much happened, mind: Sean couldn't contain the news that Violet was pregnant so he told (of all people) Jamie, so now Violet has a strop on with him. And the chippy closed down, so now Cilla is waging war on the kebab shop. And Steve came back from his holidays.

But the brilliance of it was in the details - it was a laugh a minute, with some lovely dialogue. I don't think it's any coincidence that I had a dream last night that I was in a spy-reality show with Neil Morrissey and Martin Clunes, because Jonathan Harvey's brand of writing genius is very similar to Simon Nye's in Men Behaving Badly.

I'm aware that this isn't much of a catch-up, but there wasn't all that much up with which to catch. And that's the marvellousness of Corrie - when it's at its best, it doesn't need to rely on sensational storylines. Just great writing, great acting and characters we care about.

CATCH-UP - Tasty

The Duckworth grandson, Paul, wooed Leanne with his carbonara ("Best I've ever 'ad!" said the girl who was brought up by Janice and Les - so she's bound to be a gourmet), so he's now employed as head (and only) chef.

Violet did a pregnancy test, which made her cry. We aren't supposed to be sure at this stage if they were tears of joy or disappointment, but I'll give you a clue - I'm knitting bootees.

Sally is doing an English Literature A level. She has to read The Tempest, Pride and Prejudice and Howard's End. Good luck with that, then.

CATCH-UP - Peacock's tale

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, as the song goes. I've always thought that was somewhat dodgy advice.

The one Ashley loves is Claire, but she's still at her mum's with Baby Freddie (whose hair has mysteriously straightened recently - one might even suspect he was being played by More Than One Child). And the one he's with has been, at various times, Our Joshua, Kevin Webster, Kirk and - increasingly - Casey. That Casey has been winkling her way into his affections with the ruthless inexorability of MRSA, and the double episode ended with them kissing. Ashley is hideously embarrassed, and Casey has assured him it'll all be forgotten about by t'morning, but I doubt that, somehow.

In other news, we still don't know if Violet is pregnant, but Sean is becoming very irritating as he waits for news.

Leanne's fortunes at t'restaurant go from bad to worse. She's just discovered that Vera and Jack's grandson is a chef, and she needs a chef... how long before he's installed in her kitchen? Oh, someone just phone Gordon Ramsay, pronto.

CATCH-UP - Love Man

Music is the food of love, as anyone who's ever listened to Damon Albarn will testify.

Liz employed the power of music, namely that of Otis Redding, to persuade Vernon not to leave her. She cunningly supplied Lloyd with a tape of a musical history of her relationship with Vernon, to play in the car on the way to th'airport, where Vernon was bound for some hedonistic musical residence in Malaga, or Maguluf, or one of those Spanish places beginning in Mag.

It worked! By the end of the episode Vernon's hang-dog face was back at t'Rovers and all was right with the world.

Only not quite, because this is a soap, and if everyone was happy there'd be no reason to watch it tomorrow. So we still have Ashley and Claire at odds with each other, still have Casey worming her way into Ashley's affections.

And we still have Leanne making a right mess of the restaurant trade. She was even reduced to asking Carla to be a sleeping partner, with a £20,000 investment in exchange for a 30% share of the business. But, like a scene from Dragon's Den, Carla said she'd give her the £20k, but would want a 60% share. "Then you'd be me boss," fretted Leanne, her wonky eyes getting wonkier by the second. Carla said take it or leave it, Leanne decided she'd leave it.

In other news, I heard on the radio yesterday that Liz Dawn, who has played Vera Duckworth since almost the beginning of time (1974) will be leaving the show this year due to ill health. The end of an (V)era.

CATCH-UP - Women, eh?

Joanne's sick of being a yo-yo and she's putting her foot down. She's threatening to take Liam and Carla to a tribunal - her for unfair dismissal and him for sexual harrassment. "You think you're God's gift to women!" she says to Liam.

Look at him, you fool - he is God's gift to woman, and I, for one, am eternally grateful.

(Which doesn't make sexual harrassment right, of course, but he didn't, actually).

Elsewhere, Casey is making herself indispensable to Ashley. Sneaky mare.

And I forgot to mention previously, but Roger admitted to Janice the other day that he has no money - he gave it all to Leanne. And today Leanne made a right mess up of things in t'restaurant (she gives away free wine, and it doesn't take Gordon Ramsey to point out that this is financial suicide). The chef and head/only waiter have quit, and she is up excrement creek without a paddle.